The Nazi propaganda minister, Joseph Goebbels understood the power of lies. He said ““If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” He also recognized that “..the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie“.
His observations have a huge impact on you and your family. Many times cheaters tell lies. One of the biggest lies they tell is “it’s for the family!” and derivatives of that sentiment.
After wrecking their own homes with an affair, they often fight tooth and nail for child custody or force their children to accept their ‘marriage’ to the lover claiming that they care about the family and that nothing negative should be said, “for the sake of the family“.
Many wrongs have been covered up by good intentions. By saying they care about the family, they make you look like you don’t care since you dare to question them, their motives and the basis of their relationship. They use their big lie against you.
The truth is that if the cheater cared about family as much as they claim, they wouldn’t have had the affair in the first place. They were thinking of their own best interest at the time.
When they run and hide behind “caring about the family” after wrecking it, they are using the big lie. The real twist is that you who stand for the truth will be castigated as being trouble-makers, disturbers of the peace and home wreckers because you dare to ask questions about the affair. “How dare you!” is the response when you bring up what happened or its cousin, “Can’t you get over that?” .
When you receive such comments, it leaves you feeling a little disoriented, like the world just flipped. Here this cheating homewrecker who destroyed your family forever is making you look like a trouble-maker because you refuse playing their game.
This turning of the tables is bad enough when you’re a spouse, it’s even worse when you’re a child. Your whole world was wrecked by the cheating parent and now they want you to act like nothing happened and show respect for the ‘new’ lover now in the parent role.
Refusing to show your respect to them is greeted with condemnation and comments about how ungrateful you are. Inside you wonder “Why should I be grateful for the person who contributed to the wrecking of my family?”.
You’re instead expected to live the lie, that its for the family and not dare mention the truth about what really happened.
It’s no wonder that those impacted by affairs feel confused, with their world and morals being turned upside down. You’re not going crazy.
You’re just being expected to act like everything is fine in an insane situation. If you acted sanely, it would expose their insanity and the insanity of the whole situation.
In such situations, truth is your friend. Truth will allow you to cut through the delusions and lies. Truth may be your friend, yet cheaters often can not handle the truth.
If your family has fallen for such lies, you’d benefit from the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” which guides you in making things more truthful.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
Thank you articulating so perfectly the twisted thinking of an unfaithful spouse. Below is a posting I received on my page several months ago. I believe it to be my spouse under a different alias. Since you have superior skills in understanding the adulterous mind, I was wondering if you could also offer your analysis of the following excuses and diversion:
“Why are your children even involved? Why do they feel they have to express that they are powerless in the situation? What are you expecting from them? Why have you made your problems theirs? I’m no expert (no more than you, anyway) but this seems to border on abuse. Your children aren’t crying on their own because they’re mourning with you. They crying because you’ve forced them to participate in your victim role. I thought this page was about survival and yet here you are continuing to call yourself a victim and blaming everything on your husband. Where’s his Facebook page to tell the other side of the story? Do the people that read this page actually see a person who is trying to improve her life, or someone who is perverting and manipulating the Gospel of Jesus Christ for her own destructive purposes? Will it still be Satan’s fault when you’re alone and have driven your children away from you with all of this victim talk and helplessness? Don’t they deserve to see a strong woman and mother who picks up the pieces and moves on rather than obsessing over what has been lost? If your husband is the man you say he is you’re simply being a fool for dragging your family through this fight you’ve created. Is it possible that you’re the only one fighting because you’re the only one who refuses to see the writing on the wall? The Lord has many paths to happiness but we have to make our own choice to be on them. This page is full of negativity, antagonism, and hopelessness. That’s not what the Lord wants for you or your children. He will give them opportunities throughout their life to heal from all that has happened but what you’re doing (by your expressions here) is constantly reopening the wound. You aren’t helping them heal. You’re getting in the Lords way.”
LDS Infidelity and Adultery Survival,
Thank you for writing and sharing. I have often visited your facebook page and have enjoyed the material you share. The comment you shared is rich with meanings. I can share some observations on the post from various lines of analysis.
Structurally, the why, why, why emphasis suggest that the author is searching for answers and at the same time making accusations. When spouses are hurting, they often use the ‘why’ questions to both inquire and accuse. It makes it difficult since that approach both seeks to put the recipient on the defensive, and attack them which ‘muddy’ the water and make any serious seeking answers to their hurts hard to approach. In using ‘why’, they put the subject on the defensive which sends a mixed message. That is the reason that I discourage people from using that approach. Why questions only serve to find where to put blame rather than find solutions.
On an emotional level, the writer is hurting. They are concerned with what they perceive to be an alienation process going on. They feel that the subject is turning their children against them. They do not feel listened to in matters related to the subject of affairs. I am not sure if they want their opinion heard in order to balance things out, or if they want to present their side of the story, or if they are reacting to what they perceive as an ‘injustice’. In terms of ‘telling the other side of the story’, I am not sure what other side they want presented. Are they wanting to talk about why they had the affair? Are they wanting to glorify affairs as a solution to their issues? They are wanting to attack rather than seek solutions as to how to work things out.
The writer focuses on the alienation they see going on while avoiding addressing the issue of the affair. There may also be some tinges of anger related to what they feel is being maligned or even a reaction to what they are implying is misogynistic.
The writer in some ways is attempting justifying their actions. They are wanting to shift the issue from an affair and marriage to the loyalties and dynamics in the family. The bottom line is that the critical relationship in a family is the marriage. They are trying to focus on the other relationships (parent-child) rather than the marriage relationship. They are emphasizing emotion and happiness rather than address what was done or not done related to any affair. They are uncomfortable with the pain. I hear no mention of assuming responsibility but instead blaming. Although they mention Jesus Christ and ‘the Lord’, it is unclear where they stand on matters. It comes across as someone who subscribes to the idea that God wants them to be happy rather than them doing what is right.
Scripturally, there is some bending of Scripture to justify things. Many cheaters, especially those with Christian backgrounds go through a phase where they attempt to justify what they have done. They look for ‘loop holes’ that will allow them to do what they did and have a clear conscience.
In terms of responsibility, I did not pick up that the writer is assuming any concerning their own actions. They did not say, “I made some bad choices”, or statements of that sort. Instead, they are wanting to look at the subjects actions regarding the children.
Since I do not know the back story or context beyond what you shared, I do not have the full picture. I hope that this helps you and others in addressing this painful situation common to the readers.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Wow, thank you Jeff. This was very thorough and enlightening. I especially appreciate your feedback with the ‘why’ emphasis. I find myself and hear from many others that the ‘why’ questions are constant. I can not seem to turn my brain off. I have read that this is a reaction to trauma. My daughter has many ‘why’ questions. I am an adult and have difficulty processing the ‘why’. I can’t imagine how a child could begin to understand ‘why.’
I did not realize that the unfaithful spouse could also be plagued by the ‘why’ questions. I didn’t have an answer for being stuck in the ‘why’ phase, but your explanation makes sense. If my husband was willing to go back into an addiction recovery program and/or enter into a battering rehabilitation program I believe that ‘why’ it happened would be less relevant. I could focus more on forgiving his transgression and what my part was in the conflict if he was willing to look at himself. I find it hard to let go of the logic that all of the issues brought up above would be resolved if my spouse sought out treatment. If my spouse was truly concerned about our children why not attack and destroy the root of the problem-the depressions, addictions and affair? (another ‘why’ question)
I suspected that my husband is still hurting on a very deep level, which was the catalyst to his affair. His family of origin and journals document a sex addiction and depression that existed years before I met him. It really breaks my heart to see him to continue to live with this inner pain and ‘medicate’ it with adultery. If he did write that post and as you mentioned he is still hurting it would seem the ‘medication’ for his core issues is not as effective as it could be. Replacing your spouse with another person does not cure the real issues behind an affair. The last response below was posted under a comment about my son having a meltdown after I caught him using drugs. I had posted that my son stated “I can’t fix my dad, so I leave, I check out and do drugs.” My son was pretty clear as to why he turned to drugs, yet the mystery writer deflected and suggested other possibilities:
“We have no way of knowing what your husband has or has not done. We have no way of knowing what other factors appear in or out of your family that would contribute to your son’s drug use. For anyone to read what you write and assume it’s completely honest and truthful is a mistake. It’s clear that you are hurt and divorce is no picnic for anyone, especially children. But are you really serving your children as you should by continuing this fight, as you call it? I posit that you are actually causing them to suffer for longer than they would otherwise, and are impeding their opportunities to mourn on their own. They don’t have to, and shouldn’t be forced to, mourn with you. They have to process it the way that works for them. That may not be the same as you. I probably haven’t read all the books you have but sometimes things just make sense. We don’t need books to tell us when our children are in pain and need love, compassion, and understanding.”
Would you agree that this response is a continuation of your analysis? What do you recommend for my husband and I? My husband and I are separated but still married. My husband is still pursuing his affair and divorce. Nothing will be finalized for several months. Is there anything that I can do to help him and our children? My husband has stated to others that the marriage is beyond repair because of too many grievances and places no blame on the affair. I have been told that as long as my husband continues to ignore his core issues and pursue his affair that our children and I will continue to suffer. A counselor I have been seeing speculates that even if he does succeed in getting a divorce, the abuse to our children and I will continue. My counselor observes that my husband has been and will continue to use the children as weapons. My husband and I will be in and out of court for the next ten years because of his need to control. After our son exposed his affair, my husband threatened to take our children from me and leave me homeless and penniless. He has nearly succeeded on his threat.
Thank you for your time and help. I will be posting many of your blog entries on my page and referring my followers to you as a good resource for healing.
LDS Infidelity and Adultery Survival,
Your response touched my heart. I am glad that you found my reply helpful. I am also thrilled that you want to send more folks this way. We can all benefit from overcoming the flood of adultery that is running rampant. It touches many families and lives, leaving them devastated and broken. It is heartbreaking to hear about your son’s drug issues. The pattern of poor self-control in the cheater being passed down to the children is common. It always breaks my heart. The bondage of addictions, be they drugs, alcohol or sexual are like a prison that you can check into, but have trouble checking out of is …hellacious. Such problems put more layers of pain onto an already painful and stressed situation.
You are on correct when you mention that even a divorce will not end the control behavior. I often tell people that divorce does not end anything, it only changes the battlefield. That sounds harsh, but if you have been there, you understand.
Your comment “Replacing your spouse with another person does not cure the real issues behind an affair” shows amazing insight. I like it.
In terms of ‘continuing the fight’, there are many things to consider. The children will suffer if the fight continues, they will suffer more in the event of dissolution of the family. Broken homes extend their pain through many generations. Continuing the fight in a home with physical violence also poses some issues. The main concern in such cases is safety. Keeping a relationship going where the physical safety of the family is at risk is dangerous. I do know that in raising children, it takes the involvement of both parents. The family has to learn teamwork in addressing many issues. Abuse destroys the ability to trust that is so essential to having a safe home environment.
In terms of personal recommendations for your marriage, I encourage you to send me a personal e-mail (jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com) rather than address such issues in a public forum like this. Being a public forum, I often limit my responses to general issues that many people will have in common rather than go into great detail on such sensitive matters.
Thank you again for all your help. The Facebook page keeps my identity anonymous and protects my husband and children. I would never post anything sensitive about my family under my personal profile. In fact, I purposely post glowing compliments on my personal page out of respect for my husband and our children. I believe my husband learned about the page by hacking into my computer. I was careful not to mention to anyone that I am the author of the page. I wanted to keep the page a safe place for others as well as myself and family.
I receive messages from survivors that want to follow the page but are afraid of exposing the problems in their family by doing so. Many are afraid to even ‘like’ the page because that information becomes part of their Facebook profile. For these reasons, It is really difficult to tell you how many people your information has or will help in the future. I agree that pages like our should serve as an outreach and beginning to doing the real ‘work’ of healing with a professional counselor. Unfortunately, in my situation my spouse as actually said he will not go back into treatment and get better leaving my children and I with very little hope or options. Thank you again for sharing your valuable time and knowledge.
LDS Infidelity and Adultery Survival,
I understand about the need for anonymity. There are issues of fear, shame, guilt, etc. that often surround connection with such pages. That is one of the challenges I encountered with my facebook page. There are times that just liking a page has risks with it. I have found the blog allows for greater anonymity. I do not know the real identities of people who comment. I do not need to. The need for outreach is indeed there. I am glad that you are there and that you had the courage to take action.
Dear LDS….
I read the post that person put and you posted here …My gut feeling is that this person either is not very old and not had much experience in real life OR they themselves are expecting the victim to deal as our society seems prone to do .
I feel for your situation ..I pray your faith and love for the Lord will see you through….people who have been through dealing with this ..with or without their children being aware are full of compassion for you.
As they say “For those who do not know …no explanation will do … For those who KNOW … none is needed “
Dear ZAZA,
Thank you for your prayers and compassion. I welcome your contributions on my Facebook page. I hope it can be a resource of healing for you. Unfortunately my children were made aware of my husband’s second affair by him. My husband actually introduced his adulteress as a ‘girlfriend’ to our son while we were still living together. My son knew before I did and he was the one that exposed the affair.
If the person that wrote those comments was my husband, he is over 40 but still young in many ways. A counselor that interviewed him reported back to me that he was emotionally immature. From what I have researched that is common with adulterers/adulteresses. My husband has struggled with self esteem issues and depression years before I ever met him, but contributing factors with adultery.
I do also believe that this comment does more than show just a society response to abuse by infidelity, but the abusive mentality as well. As Jeff mentioned above, “they often use the ‘why’ questions to both inquire and accuse,” that being said the question/accusation “Don’t they (my children) deserve to see a strong woman and mother who picks up the pieces?” is very psychologically disturbing. When I read this I picture a loving wife and mother being beaten nearly to death by her husband in her bedroom then scolded for not getting off the floor and back out there to care for their children. As if the victim is a lower level of scum than the perpetrator that abused her for not recovering quickly from the beating. That statement of inquiry and accusation is the emotional equivalent to the physical act I just described.
I don’t even believe society as a whole believes a woman suffering in the hospital from injuries inflicted by her husband is expected to be discharged the next day and function properly for her children. The fact that this mystery writer does not even mention the affair but tries to deflect and make the victim out to be the villain is disgusting. I could be wrong and maybe Jeff could clarify but being a victim of adultery now twice, that is what it feels like to me.