Although I typically get along with most people, when Katie and I began working together at Deer Park Hospital, there were fireworks. Not the kind of fireworks in a good way. It was more like “Clash of the Titans” kind of fireworks.
She would be on one side of an issue and I would be on the other, and both of us passionately defending our positions. Although I’d had disagreements with others, when it came to disagreeing with Katie, the fire came out. She just set me off.
Clashes with fellow therapists are challenging. All those people skills are used in ways they were never intended. We knew how to get under each others’ skin and didn’t hesitate to do so.
Those clashes bothered me. Something about her ‘set me off’ and I didn’t know what it was. Logically, we should’ve gotten along. Oddly enough there were commonalities in our backgrounds, but you’d never know it from how we clashed.
One day when doing some self-examination, the answer came to me. I realized I reacted to some of her non-verbal gestures. My insight gave new meaning to the line from the Beatles song about how there’s “something in the way she moves..”
Some of her movements were identical to those of a family member I had resentments toward! Although my conscious mind saw ‘Katie’ my unconscious mind recognized someone else.
That episode showed me how much power unforgiveness has on relationships. I couldn’t see Katie for who she was. Instead I saw opportunities for fights and conflict. The unforgiveness put blinders on me to where I couldn’t see the real Katie.
Soon after that discovery, we worked things out and became good friends to this day. She is even one of those people who is on the must send list for Christmas cards.
If you still have resentments going back to the affair, there’s a good chance they are still influencing you in ways you never imagined. Those resentments influence what you see and how you react. You may think you are over what happened, but a certain tone of voice, or look, or gesture can trigger a reaction in you that you had no idea was there.
For specialized help, check out my latest video, “Forgiveness: Stop the pain, Tear down walls and Remove the Roadblocks“. It’s a perfect starting point for you in many ways-both in terms of helping you let go of the hurts, and removing even hidden resentments. They will help you recover from the affair faster and improve your relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeff
