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In the early days of being in private practice, I met regularly with a fellow therapist, Sandy Pannett. In our meetings we discussed the challenges and interventions we were dealing with. In one of those meetings, Sandy suggested I watch TV with the sound off.
With the sound off, you focus in on non-verbal gestures. Those non-verbals reveal a great deal, especially with the sex addicts.
Although it sounded odd, I tried it. That suggestion opened up a whole new world of awareness for me. Once I saw the non-verbal gestures, I began discovering what to look for. What had been secretive behaviors that few talked about, now jumped out at me.
I saw where the trust issues were and who struggled with sexual addictions. It was clear which couples really trusted each other and which ones were acting.
Noticing the non-verbal gestures helped me identify many issues that weren’t being talked about. You see what issues are really going on. Not only were the issues not talked about, some of those displaying some non-verbal signs, they weren’t aware of what they were communicating.
That suggestion came to mind recently when I was dealing with some marriages that began with affairs. Now 10-15 years later, the couples are still married. Although they report that things are going ‘well’, their non-verbal gestures tell me a different story.
It astounded me how the denial surrounding their affair remains strong, even many years out. It’s likely that the story line they told themselves continues being reinforced. They’ve told themselves that story line so many times that now they actually believe it.
The non-verbal messages communicates mistrust, fear and control issues. Rather than enjoying each other’s company, they find fulfillment in their jobs or hobbies.
Their marriages became a place for sharing those accomplishments with each other. It struck me as odd how at one point in their lives, they built their whole world around the lover.
Now that they are married to them, it all changed. The lover turned into a roommate, while those other areas are where their passions and heart are.
I’ve learned that what they tell me can’t be trusted. The real messages are in their non-verbal gestures.
If your marriage is one of those filled with mistrust, even though you tell yourself things are OK or going well, you’ll benefit from the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” Your body and your gut knows whether or not there is real trust in your marriage. Your non-verbal gestures may be more honest than what you’ve been telling yourself about your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
