A reader wrote, “no one he works with knows the lies and pain he caused his wife and kids.” Her frustration with the situation came across ‘like an acre of garlic’. When the cheater is not hurting as much as you are, it magnifies your own pain.
It’s also painful seeing someone who lies and keeps others in the dark about their true nature. When I’ve seen those situations, it reminds me of watching a train wreck in slow motion.
I see the cheater smiling and putting on the charm. Those around them are oblivious to what is actually happening.
In my situation, it was a family member. I watched them gaming the other members of the family, thinking to myself “Can’t they see what’s actually going on?” Since it was a blended family situation, I weighed out the benefits and consequences of saying anything.
After going through my share of family dysfunction (some of the secondary effects of affairs), I’ve learned the importance of picking and choosing my battles carefully. Not every situation is worth opening a can of worms over.
Although I see plenty of potential problems, I’ve learned that they are not always mine to fix. When I am not part of the problem or part of the solution, I ‘approach the situation with caution’.
If your family is like mine, you may have a brother-in-law like mine who comes up with a grin and asks “What do you make of _____ doing what they’re doing?”
Do I lie to them, dance around the issue or answer honestly? He loves putting me on the spot in those situations, like he’s testing me. In some ways, he does it as a way for him to avoid bringing up those awkward family moments. It typically opens the door to some lively discussions.
Those lively discussions are actually about removing denial. Many conflicts arise and feelings get hurt when you remove the denial about relationship issues.
Since removing denial is so powerful, I’ve learned that it’s best to wait until I’m asked rather than jumping into the middle of things and confronting people before they’re ready to hear some things.
“That’s just one of the Communication Secrets” I’ve learned about. The video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” provides you with other tips and techniques of handling touchy topics and situations. You know you want to discuss many aspects of the affair, bringing them out into the open.
Since you don’t have a brother-in-law like mine in your pocket that puts you on the spot, you need the secrets in this video. It goes over what to bring up, what not to and when topics are to be brought up.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
