During the Christmas holidays, I encountered the question “Is it stupid to stay in my marriage after the affair?” On just reading the question, I felt my stomach wince at the pain the wife asking the question must be feeling.
She’s being awfully hard on herself along with doubting her decision-making. Affairs leave you wondering if you’re smart enough, sexy enough, and loving enough.
That self-doubt makes any decision a gut-wrenching episode. The affair leaves you second guessing everything you do.
My favorite response is a question from John Bradshaw, who asked “Are you throwing away a perfectly good marriage?” If you have a good marriage, it’s not stupid to stay in it. It’s also not stupid for you to repair and work on a marriage like that.
An affair puts you at a cross roads concerning your marriage. You have to make some decisions about whether to stay or not. In order to make those kinds of decisions, it requires being clear in your head about your marriage.
You have to consider whether the relationship works for you, your spouse and your children. The emphasis you place on each depends a great deal on your personal priorities.
The affair means that changes are needed. What the changes are and who needs to make those changes differs from marriage to marriage.
Staying in a marriage where you take steps toward making things better in your relationship is always beneficial.
There are always critics who will say that what you’re doing is stupid. They may even claim they have your best interest at heart. When it comes down to your marriage, there are some things that you have a unique perspective on that those critics don’t see.
It’s never good making major life decisions when you’re in the midst of emotional turmoil. The turmoil often leads you to reduce the pain rather than doing what’s best.
When you need extra help, ask for it. I recently had some appointment times open up for my consultations. These include weekly calls and email support for the duration of the consultation. If you’re interested, email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for available times, packages and pricing.
Some experts claim that in order to work on your marriage, certain conditions are required. If you want to work on your marriage, you can start whether or not the cheater repents or gets honest. Things work better if they do, yet that doesn’t happen on your timetable.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
3 Responses
Actually a good question. You are being asked to stay with a person who was willing to throw it all away for a cheap thrill. A person who risked your health with potentially deadly diseases. Who attacked your sanity. The affair equates to extensive abuse. Are we stupid? We are dealing with people who lie, cheat and steal. How do you ever know the person has changed or just got smarter at their misdeeds?
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. The question is a tough one that has to be considered on an individual basis. Your friends, associates and counselors can’t make the choice for you. In some cases, love and commitment win out and in others, the problems are more than they want to continue dealing with.
It’s one of those questions that tests your faith in terms of finding out how ‘BIG’ one’s God is in terms of comparison to the challenges they are facing.
I also like the question “How do you ever know the person has changed or just got smarter at their misdeeds?” The question forces you to consider how well you really know your spouse, what drives them and what their true needs are. It can be shocking to discover that you didn’t know them as well as you thought or that your spouse hid things so well.
By hiding and withholding, they keep you guessing and doubting yourself. It sets up a perplexing dynamic of unhealthy one-upmanship (e.g. if they are outsmarting you, then you feel stupid). Although it’s a false dynamic, it’s still a painful one to work through. When they hold information back, they keep you from having access to important information that could change things. It amounts to bowling with a sheet covering the pins. It leaves you unsure of what’s really going on.
This kind of game-manship is about control pure and simple.
In answer to your question, you look for changes in their thinking AND changes in their behavior. If you don’t see both, then they are just getting smarter in covering things up.
Anonymous.
Thank you for your comment. The affair is a form of abuse. Despite the abuse many spouses stay without any major changes due largely to trauma bonding.