I received an email asking an important question about handling a cheating husband with kid gloves. The exchange will help those of you who are facing similar questions and concerns.
“It seems that the betrayed needs to handle their cheating partner with kid gloves in order to move forward in dealing with the affair and to save the marriage. Affairs are a choice for the majority of cheaters.
Sometimes they can be a sex addiction. But assuming they are choices and the cheater justifies their actions for months and years, I find it insulting that the betrayed must “be careful” not to push them back into the affair.
For me, if they cannot see the error of their ways immediately and fully, are they worth getting back? I don’t want to play games in order to make them see the damage they have caused.
If they cannot see it almost immediately, If that affair fog is so heavy, and if the betrayed feels their partner could possibly relapse, why fight that invisible enemy. The cheater is making it clear what is important to them and it obviously isn’t their spouse.
After the damage they have caused their family, I don’t feel I have to “play nice” to bring them back. If they can’t take the consequences, long talks, anger, tears, yelling, in order to help their spouse through the hell they are living in, are they truly worth getting back?
Why put ourselves thru more trauma to try to reconnect with someone who can’t think logically and suddenly expects the betrayed to “be nice”. I feel like doing so degrades myself and, in essence, is playing games to get someone back that is so oblivious to what they’ve done.
Going through this myself with a partner who did realize what he’s done and is doing anything and everything to save our marriage. If I ever felt at risk of him going backward; seeing his AP, contacting her, not feeling like he is 100% into making this work, I would be done. This isn’t a game.
This isn’t trying to coerce someone back by making it easy for them. I yell, I cry, I get angry. And he listens and understands why I’m acting that way. The hurt he’s caused.
If other cheaters don’t see that, no one is going to “make” them see it. Especially if they have already seen the damage done to their spouse on D- day.
I’d love to see this issue addressed as I do get angry every time I see that the betrayed should handle the cheater with kid gloves so as not to push them back to their AP.
Thank you!”
My response was:
“Thank you for writing to me. It sounds like you and your partner are working through recovery successfully. It’s encouraging to hear.
You asked some important questions.
“For me, if they cannot see the error of their ways immediately and fully, are they worth getting back?” Although I wish that they could see the error of their ways immediately and fully, that doesn’t always happen. Some do. They realize that they did something wrong and that it hurt people.
Others are so focused on themselves that they don’t realize they did wrong. I know from dealing with addictions and affairs that principle of waking up is not always an all at once phenomena. Some wake up gradually to what they’ve done and require working through denial.
The cheater may regret getting caught, but that’s not the same as awareness of doing ‘wrong’. The next step is waking up to the realization that their wrong hurt others. This is part of working through various denials in their life.
These cheaters have trouble seeing past their own pain. Initially, they only see their own needs. It takes some waking up for them to see that others have been hurt as well AND that their feelings are just as important if not more important than theirs.
They may still be worth getting back. The difference is how soon they wake up and see the extent of the damage and getting out of the self-focus. Since I write to a general audience, when each person wakes up and whether they are worth getting back varies. I provide direction and instruction that has wide applications for many who are hurting.
“If they can’t take the consequences, long talks, anger, tears, yelling in order to help their spouse through the hell they are living in, are they truly worth getting back?”
I see this as part of the natural consequences for their actions. Being a man includes accepting responsibility, including the consequences of one’s actions. When they can’t take it, you are right in asking the question.
In my post, I wasn’t trying to say use ‘kid gloves’. Instead, it’s a matter of waiting for the right time.
The right time is when you have their FULL attention. Once you have their full attention, address your concerns one at a time.
Confronting them when you don’t have their full attention is frustrating. Addressing multiple issues at once has problems as well. One, not all the concerns get addressed.
Two, it gives the cheater weasel room in dodging some of the concerns they want to avoid. Three, when you unload all the concerns at once, it weakens the power of what you are saying.
There are times where you can have maximum effect. Getting their full attention before telling them what you want them to hear is one way. When they’re in the affair fog, you don’t have their full attention.”
If you are facing similar questions or concerns I address ways of handling the what to say and how to say it in the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. Click and download the video today so that you’ll have the needed tools in knowing what to bring up, how to do it and when to do it so that your message is heard rather than ignored.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
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