The other day I received a simple “Thank you” in response to my post on “Adulterous Mothers and their effect on Children“. Although it’s been five years since it first went out, the comment reminds me that the impact of a mother’s affair is real and long lasting.
A mother’s affair leaves a scar on her children’s lives. The response reminded me that I need to revisit that topic again. Although its’ a sensitive one, it needs addressing.
When I worked in an in-patient psychiatric hospital in Deer Park, Texas, it was common knowledge among the staff that the impact of mothers and fathers is powerful. Many times the problems we encountered with the adolescent patients had their roots in bad parenting choices.
The saying among the staff was “Kids can overcome a bad father, but a bad mother stays with them.”
When mothers made bad choices, the impact was exceptionally hard to overcome, if ever. When a mother cheats, it sends powerful messages to their child.
It teaches them about how relationships work, manipulation, using communication as a weapon, and ways of meeting emotional needs.
Those lessons, whether by example or instruction shape not only the child and their value system, they impact the environment of the home.
It’s not accidental that Satan targeted Eve. He knew where his actions would have the biggest impact.
When you corrupt the mother, you inflict major damage on the family as a whole. It wrecks the structure of the family and the bonds gluing it together.
Many problems can be overcome, yet the impact of a mother having an affair has a way of planting seeds of self-doubt in the child that has them always wondering about their value. If mom finds a replacement for dad, what’s keeping them from finding a replacement for them as well?
When mom lies and manipulates in hiding her affair, she is role modeling ways of solving problems. Sure, she may preface what she says and does, but it doesn’t change the impact of her choices on her children. It may make her feel better and lessen her guilt, but it doesn’t lessen the impact on her child.
Some moms even go so far as to create ‘secret lives’ that neither husband or children know about her affairs. They may not know the facts about what happened, yet they know that mom’s heart is not there with them. They know on some level that things aren’t right.
Bad choices always leave scars. The scar of an affair is one that can be dealt with. With work on recreating trust and rebuilding communication, much of the damage can be fixed to where they can function once again.
It could be the damage from her affair itself or the damage from not ever having resolved the issues associated with an affair.
That healing only comes with total honesty about what happened and working as a team in rebuilding the relationships. This is where the Affair Recovery Workshop can give you the tools needed in rebuilding the communication, trust and security that was damaged by the affair.
Infidelity by either parent is damaging. Ignoring that damage won’t make things go away on their own. You can have the tools you need in turning things around.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
