One of the lessons I learned from writing my first book is “you always have more to write about after the book is published.” After it was published, I found out even more on the topic than when I first wrote it.
In talking with other authors, they reported similar experiences. A similar experience is when you think of what to say long after you said something else.
I had one of these episodes in responding to a comment left on the blog. A reader posted:
“I am a very young woman who was used by a man 40 years my senior for an exit affair. He came across as really kind and gentle and I thought I was ‘saving’ him from his awful marriage, but as it turns out he was an exploitative covert narcissist and this was not his first time leaving behind absolute carnage and mistreating women who truly loved him. He hated confrontation and was very avoidant with a false mask of ‘niceness’. Of course I only see this in retrospect!
Do you think that affairs like these are normally perpetuated by narcissists?”
My initial response concerned the narcissist question. On thinking through matters further another significant concern is that of affairs with big age differences.
Anytime there’s a significant age difference with an affair, there are more issues going on. My view of significant age difference is 15 years or more. When you get 30 or more years difference, the issues are even more significant.
There are reasons terms like grave robbing and cradle robbing are used in referring to these kinds of relationships.
When relationships like that are going on, there are other issues being played out besides narcissistic tendencies. Affairs are bad enough. The addition of other issues compound the pain and problems. When relationships like that develop, the warning alarms go off in my head!
In my reader’s situation, she was used for the cheater’s exit affair. She was a toy being played with. The relationship was more about exploitation than connecting with each other.
The cheater led her to believe she was ‘saving’ him, while in reality he was using her to exit his marriage. She wanted to be needed and he wanted out. Their wounds found each other.
When a cheater has problems connecting with those in their own peer group, the affair is about something else. Those other issues make resolving the affair more complicated.
Rather than connecting with someone in their peer group, they seek out a relationship that replays some issue in their life.
What is clear is that the cheater needs help. In my video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”, I guide you through many of the early steps needed in turning the situation around.
Rather than making a situation worse than it needs to be, start taking action today, whether it’s for you or someone you love.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
