Reading through recent articles dealing with cheating, I always find some items of interest. One article that caught my attention addressed the question of whether or not self-help books really do help you in dealing with cheating.
These books provide what to look for, alert you to the stages of recovery and occasionally provide timelines. They get you started, yet most focus on best case situations. What if your case is different? What if your spouse isn’t fully going along with recovery? What is they drag their feet when it comes to recovery?
The authors made several points. One point they brought up was that many self-help books don’t address resistant spouses and dealing with them. That’s a critical factor and one which many self-help books do not address. I will address some of the tactics for dealing with resistant spouses later in this article.
Another point they made dealt with your initial reaction. These authors pointed out that you need to keep in mind that the process isn’t going to be a linear process, meaning things don’t happen in a step-by-step manner portrayed in many books.
One of the things that interferes with the progression of recovery is resistant spouses.
Resistant spouses have ways of disrupting all your efforts at implementing what you found in the self-help books. Their comments and defensiveness are ways of protecting themselves from discomfort.
In my materials I address the issue of resistant spouses. I share techniques you can use that bypass their defenses. I also point out the importance of the questions you ask along with how you ask them.
How you approach them makes a big difference in what type of outcomes you experience.
What I’ve found is that when you’re in pain, it’s hard changing your ways of doing things. Often, your main agenda is conveying what’s bothering you. When expressing yourself takes priority over being heard, you’ve got a communication problem in the making.
There’s also the problem of not giving your spouse time or space in answering your questions. You may be throwing so many questions at them that they are overwhelmed and mentally paralyzed. This doesn’t give them the opportunity to think things through.
At that point, your spouse freezes up. Their mind can’t process all that you’ve thrown out at them. Fortunately, this is a changeable pattern.
When you focus on being heard and understood, it changes things. Being understood and making efforts at understanding your spouse requires effort. Applying the techniques I share will feel awkward at first, which is due to the both of you doing things differently.
Being understood also requires re-thinking what you say and ask. Over time, many couples grow lazy in their communication. They make assumptions and automatically presume their spouse knows what they’re talking about.
Those kinds of assumptions lead to misunderstandings and fights. The two of you see things differently and are likely have different definitions for the same terms.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”, I share techniques that guide you past the defensiveness. The two of you can move past the roadblocks with some effort and practice.
Investing time and effort in your marriage relationship always pays dividends. Relationships need maintenance. If you are using the same old methods of dumping and venting, it’s likely that you’re getting the same old results.
Consider making a change. Click and download the video today. In minutes you can know better ways of getting your point across and opening up connection with your spouse.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
