When you read a book dealing with recovering from an affair, there’s a good chance your brain starts comparing what you read in the book with your own marriage. You examine the descriptions and examples looking for your own relationship.
Although these comparisons are natural, there’s a hidden danger to them as well. In this article, I’ll explain why you should quit trying to compare your marriage to any illustrations in a book. And I’ll offer suggestions on how to begin eliminating comparisons from your life so that you can enjoy better mental and emotional health.
The Hidden Dangers of Comparisons
It’s natural when reading any type of self-help book to imagine your marriage as the one in the book. The danger is that since the author described your situation so well, you’re inclined to believe that their solution will work for your situation.
If their solution works, that’s good. The danger comes when you try making it work or explain things and it doesn’t work. Forcing a solution on your marriage never ends well. It will only hurt you and your spouse.
And even if the solution does work, it’s important to remember the difference between what is real and what we imagine. There are always limits in our imaginations when it comes to how much we can affect change in others or ourselves.
In my experience the area where I see this danger pop up with frequency is with addictions. Although addictions follow patterns, they aren’t all the same.
Take love addiction for example. With a love addiction, the cheater is chasing after the romance and excitement that comes with the relationship.
Because it’s an addiction, the cheater just wants what he/she believes they can’t live without. So once that person gets removed from the situation and has time to detox from that addiction, there’s a natural desire to return to that dynamic again.
It’s not that they hate their marriage to you. With addictions, the drive for the chemical buzz it brings overpowers their logical thinking.
When he/she is in the addiction, they are focused on it. But when they have a break from it, something else takes its place; the realization that what’s left of the marriage isn’t so bad after all. So now there’s a conflict between their desire to return to the excitement and you preventing that person from returning.They want the dopamine rush so intensely, they don’t consider the consequences.
It’s as if something takes over their heart and mind. At that point, they feel driven by an intense desire for the chemical buzz that comes with relationships.
It’s not that the lover is better than you in any way, or sexier or more attractive. They’re just chasing after the thrill of being in a new relationship. The cheater’s brain only feels ‘normal’ when they are chasing the love.
The problem with trying to compare your marriage to the illustrations in a book is that you ignore what’s real.
They may even talk about how the affair makes them feel ‘alive’ or feel themselves again.
So the description in the book of how the two of you have grown separate and apart is accurate, but the reason for it is where you may be mistaken. With a love addiction, the cheater isn’t rejecting you. In fact, they may still be madly in love with you.
They’re just driven to chase the thrill and excitement of a new relationship. So when you try explaining it that way, you run into problems because people can’t accept that their lover isn’t rejecting them.
What This Means for Your Recovery
We’ve all been programmed to believe there should be a solution to every problem in life.
The problem with the love addict is that the reward system in their brain is malfunctioning. The way their brain is thinking is the problem, not you or how you interact with your spouse.
Addictions are also found in clusters. If your spouse already as one addiction, you need to consider the possibility of another addiction being involved as well. Their brain isn’t working right and its’ looking for multiple ways of getting it’s high.
This is where having an experienced counselor helping you with your situation is critical. When dealing with affairs, especially multiple affairs, the question of addiction needs consideration.
If you are looking for help with such a situation and don’t know where to turn, consider emailing me for an appointment or consultation. I’ve had some recent openings in my schedule. Email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for appointment times and fees.
Rather than blaming yourself, reach out for help.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
