In working with couples recovering from affairs, there are questions about ‘gender differences in cheating’. You may even wonder if the thinking of a cheating husband or a cheating wife are different.
Since there are many motivations for cheating, the answer to this question varies from couple to couple. The motivations, the behavior and what is behind the behavior often changes depending on how deep you drill.
By drilling, I’m referring to uncovering the motives, the why behind the why. Drilling requires honesty, awareness and tough questioning.
On one level. there may not be many gender differences, yet as you drill down into meanings, drives and motivations, the differences become more apparent. The deeper you go, the more profound gender differences you will find.
You start finding out what it means to be a man or woman and how that shows up in relationships. For example, “Does being a man mean you show it by bedding a woman?”
You’ll also find profound individual differences as well.
Since the subject is a sensitive one, many couples often stop ‘drilling down’ once they have an answer they can either understand or ‘deal with’. Drilling down deeper into the relationship requires honesty and courage, since it exposes the needs of each spouse.
As you drill down into the issues, they will touch both of you. You will have to be able to distinguish between psychic reality and ‘objective reality’. You’ll also have to know when to give them their space and when you need space.
Going deeper in how you deal with a relationship and needs often requires an expansion and contraction form of interacting. Drilling down with too much tenacity often brings destructive outcomes.
Dealing with those deeper issues is also something most people are not equipped or willing to do. You may want to go into the deep end of the pool, but are not ready for it.
Sure, you want to understand your spouse, but the deeper you go in your understanding, the more vulnerable they and you become. Dealing with those deep levels often changes relationships.
You also have to consider whether you and your spouse are ready to deal with issues at a deeper level. If either they are you are not ready or able to do so, you may be tearing down your own relationship.
There is also the reality that some people are really ‘that shallow’. You may want deep profound reasons, but they just are not there.
Although as a person, there is the potential for emotional depth, these shallow persons have not developed those deeper parts of who they are and what motivates them. Expecting deep answers from a shallow person is an exercise in frustration.
Yes, there are gender differences underlying affairs. There are also personal and deep differences. You may have to choose to deal with the affair issues at a level that you and your spouse are comfortable with and can tolerate rather than digging deeper.
Once you deal with the issues , you can always take things deeper.
In the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop“, part of recovery includes honestly examining what each of you expects of each other. This covers what the husband and wife roles are along with the many other tasks the two of you have.
The workshop guides the two of you at looking at some of the deeper answers to the issues in front of you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
