Daring to talk seriously about marriage these days is a sure way of getting strange and unusual looks. In popular culture, marriage is viewed as a temporary state instead of a seriously committed institution.
When you view marriage as a temporary state, you make different choices. In the event of an affair, you view your marriage as ‘damaged’ and rather than repair it, you trade in your spouse for another one.
Pop culture promotes the idea of marriage as ‘disposable’ in programs and music. When you’re going through the turmoil and confusion that comes with an affair, you’re vulnerable to their promotions.
It’s hard resisting the role modeling of celebrities and the media selling you on the idea of it only being temporary. They make the fantasy of ‘starting over’ sound possible and even romantic. The romance of starting over has been the theme of many Hallmark romance stories.
What the media doesn’t tell you is the high price tag a divorce has on your children and family. Instead of showing you the price tag, they sell you on the excitement, fun, and romance of starting over.
The impact of divorce on your health, school performance, and confidence are hidden from you. The true price tag is hidden by not acknowledging the link between your symptoms and the divorce. Your symptoms and health problems are viewed as separate problems from the affair and your divorce.
The longer you keep your symptoms separate from your relationship status, the longer you won’t see the real cause. When you don’t see the context, it makes choices about your options nothing more than guesses in the dark.
The reality is that your body is telling you something, but you and the medical community at large aren’t acknowledging it. When the impact is acknowledged, it’s downplayed as being temporary or short-lived.
You’ll hear that your symptoms are ‘temporary’ or ‘not related to your divorce’. When you separate your symptoms from your situation, you lose the perspective of the whole picture.
Then there are the romantic notions of the ‘new parent’ being better than the previous one. You may find them exciting and fun, but the evidence of the ‘Cinderella effect’ is hard to dismiss. Stepparents are rarely improvements in real life.
The effort you spend working on your marriage relationship is worth taking a second look at it. It could be that you’ve been working on the wrong thing or doing things in the wrong order.
There’s a big difference between doing effective work on your marriage versus busy work. Doing busywork may ease your conscience and allow you to say “I tried“.
Working on areas that make a difference is another matter. Taking steps that address problem-solving, communication, how the two of you interact and expectations make things real.
If your want to work on your marriage rather than work at it, consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. Inside you’ll find ways of making improvements in each of these areas.
Your marriage needs help and it may not be as hopeless as you thought it was. Download the workshop and start making changes in your marriage today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
