Over and over the media repeats some variation of “We’re in this together” or “Together at home”. The sentiment sounds good. It leaves you feeling supported and no longer alone. You may even find yourself repeating the phrase to yourself and others.
It’s a comforting sentiment.
But if you dig into it, what does “Together at home” really mean? When infidelity infects your marriage, the opposite is what’s true. The affair itself screams “We’re not in this together!”
It leaves the two of you feeling alone and vulnerable.
The affair makes it clear that the two of you have different agendas. Different plans. Different needs. And different wants. The affair is filled with secrets, lies, and manipulation. When all of this comes to light in the marriage you’re left in a very lonely place – at home together but facing completely separate agendas from each other that include your spouse’s selfish need to satisfy their desire for intimacy outside of the marriage.
The cheater is looking outside your marriage, while you are looking at holding the two of you closer together. This puts the two of you headed in two different directions.
When you wake up to the fact that the two of you aren’t in this together, it leaves you feeling alone and unsupported. Weirdness comes when the cheater starts talking about ‘togetherness’ when their heart isn’t in it. The cheater may be repeating the phrase out of pure habit – or they could be saying it out of guilt. Either way, when you wake up to the fact that your spouse feels like they’re in this alone, and you are in this together but by yourself, it’s not a good feeling.
At those times, you face tough choices. Do you believe what they are telling you? or do you believe what they’re showing you?
It’s important considering what they do and what they say. When both are in agreement, you can start believing them, when they don’t agree, you’re being deceived.
Even more weirdness happens when the cheater actually believes what they’re telling you while their actions say otherwise.
This is where it gets complicated. How do you resolve the differences between words and actions? Well, YOU CAN’T! You must determine which of these two things holds more value for you –
Those kind of weird situations will leave you feeling like you’re going crazy. Even though you’re not going crazy, the communication patterns create an alternate reality.
Those kinds of double-message, double-dealing ways are guaranteed to leave you feeling confused. It’s when you feel confused that you’re vulnerable to being manipulated.
One way you can start digging your way out of the crazy making is by telling yourself the truth about what is going on. Don’t accept the lie “We’re in this together” when their actions tell you something else.
The affair is a wake-up call letting you know that the two of you are anything but ‘in this together’. You may be ‘together at home’, but their heart isn’t together with yours.
In the video “Getting PastGetting Past the Affair Crisis”“, I guide you through those early days of the affair. You can know step by step how to start telling yourself the truth and start healing.
Accepting the lies only keeps the wound festering. It keeps you and them from healing.
Part of you may want to accept the togetherness lie since it sounds so good. It may even be what you’ve been wanting. Making choices based on wrong information is only going to give you wrong solutions.
Instead of falling for more lies, start telling yourself the truth and download the video today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
