There are times when it helps to revisit topics covered before. It’s not that people weren’t listening or paying attention.
In most cases, they were so overwhelmed they weren’t able to take it in or they just need reminders about some topics. The reminders help you stay on track. I know that without my post-it notes and calendar books to remind me of things, I’d get off track as well.
Although I spend a majority of the emails covering affairs from the viewpoint of the betrayed, it’s important that the issue of affair recovery for the betrayer be addressed as well.
In my mind, affair recovery works best when the betrayer initiates the recovery. When they initiate the healing process, it makes a statement about assuming responsibility for the damage that’s been done. It also makes a statement about how important it is to care for their partner.
When the betrayed initiates the recovery process, there’s usually some anger and resentment that’s preventing them from giving full attention to healing until they’ve voiced those feelings and acknowledged them.
When they allow the betrayed to initiate, recovery remains possible. When the betrayed takes initiative, it impacts the dynamics of their marriage by shifting the leadership responsibilities.
Not only is there a shift in marital dynamics when that happens, but serious conflicts often arise when the betrayer attempts to assume more leadership after they had previously turned it over to you.
Those shifting marital dynamics create an atmosphere of instability and insecurity. The betrayer may feel as if they’re walking on eggshells.
It’s important to make sure that you don’t take more control than the betrayer is comfortable with giving.
Just as the betrayed feels abandoned and alone, the abuser needs to feel loved and supported by their partner.
When the betrayer takes an active role in recovering from the affair, the restoration process of recovery goes smoother. Working within the natural design for marriage works better than altering the design just to make recovery possible.
Someone has to take the first step in moving the two of you toward recovery. Someone has to start the conversations that need to happen, yet make you uncomfortable.
Remember that affair recovery doesn’t stop with the affair ends. Recovery is about getting your marriage relationship back to a healthy, functional state.
It’s about resolving the affair issues so they don’t keep coming up again. It’s about moving forward in a way that leaves you stronger, more connected and respecting each other.
When one person takes initiative for recovery, it indicates a willingness to take responsibility for mistakes made and shows how important it is to them to have their spouse back.
Removing the lover doesn’t automatically restore intimacy or communication. It doesn’t improve the abilities of the two of you to resolve conflicts. You can only start working on those changes after the lover is out of the picture.
Recovery also includes the two of you being able to hear out each other in terms of hurts, needs and new solutions. It could be that needs, wants and preferences are being confused.
When you confuse needs, wants and preferences, it has each of you chasing after misdirected priorities.
If you’re the betrayer and don’t know where to start or what to do, download the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery.”
It guides you through those first steps needed in recovering from the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
