When you read a book dealing with recovering from an affair, there’s a good chance your brain starts comparing what you read in the book with your own marriage. You examine the descriptions and examples looking for your own relationship. It’s important to keep in mind that every marriage is different, and what worked for the author or the people she interviewed might not work for you.
Although these comparisons are natural, there’s a hidden danger to them as well. The danger is that since the author described your situation so well, you’re inclined to believe that their solution will work for your situation.
If their solution works, that’s good. The danger comes when you try making it work or explain things and it doesn’t work. Forcing a solution in your marriage never ends well.
In my experience, the area where I see this danger pop up with frequency is addictions. Although addictions follow patterns, they aren’t all the same.
Take love addiction for example. With love addiction, the cheater is chasing after the romance and excitement that comes with the relationship. They crave the dopamine high that comes with the prospect of new relationships and romance.
For the person being cheated on, this can be confusing.
It’s not that they hate their marriage to you. With addictions, the drive for the chemical buzz brings overpowers their logical thinking. They want the dopamine rush so intensely, that they don’t consider the consequences.
It’s as if something takes over their heart and mind. At that point, they feel driven by an intense desire for the chemical buzz that comes with relationships.
It’s not that the lover is better than you in any way, or sexier or more attractive. They’re just chasing after the thrill of being in a new relationship. The cheater’s brain only feels ‘normal’ when they are chasing the love. They may even talk about how the affair makes them feel ‘alive’ or feel themselves again.
So the description in the book of how the two of you have grown separate and apart is accurate, but the reason for it is where you may be mistaken. With love addiction, the cheater isn’t rejecting you. In fact, they may still be madly in love with you.
The problem with the love addict is that the reward system in their brain is malfunctioning. The way their brain is thinking is the problem, not you or how you interact with your spouse.
Addictions are also found in clusters. If your spouse already as one addiction, you need to consider the possibility of another addiction being involved as well. Their brain isn’t working right and its’ looking for multiple ways of getting it’s high.
This is where having an experienced counselor helping you with your situation is critical. When dealing with affairs, especially multiple affairs, the question of addiction needs consideration.
If you are looking for help with such a situation and don’t know where to turn, consider emailing me for an appointment or consultation. I’ve had some recent openings in my schedule. Email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for appointment times and fees.
Rather than blaming yourself, reach out for help.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
