One of the lessons about relationships I learned years ago is “When your wife complains about the trash not being taken out, the real issue isn’t the trash.” That lesson has stayed with me over the years so that when I hear complaints about the trash, I know something else is bothering her and the trash is merely the symptom of some issue.
Learning those kinds of lessons are what guide me in addressing many of the questions the way I do. Take for instance the question, “How could a loving husband have a secret long-term affair?”
I could tell her about his compartmentalizing, or explain his use of social skills in hiding it from her. I could also talk about the many motivations behind affairs.
On the surface, this wife is wanting to know what motivated her husband to have a secret long-term affair. At a deeper level, she’s expressing several different messages about the information she wants AND expressing a powerful emotional message.
I’m not about offering platitudes to make her feel better. Instead, I focus on helping her sort through her feelings and gain clarity on the issue.
This involves understanding both of their motivations behind the affair, exploring how it has impacted them both, validating her emotions and pain, and finally discussing strategies for moving forward.
She’s in shock that he kept the affair from her. She’s also in disbelief about how he could be so loving at home and still be having an affair.
There’s also the surprise that her husband cheated on ‘her’.
When questions have so many levels of meanings behind them. it makes answering them a challenge. If you are a spouse who wants to answer the one right question, you’ll end up failing.
She wants each of her questions answered, and if you are her husband, she expects you to know which message she means along with the hurt, disbelief, and anger behind all of that.
If you are one of those spouses who wants to have the ‘right answer’, questions like these are constructed in such a way as to where no answer is good enough. They are designed to make you fail.
The best way to answer this question is to listen carefully and attentively to your wife. This means listening with an open heart and mind, validating her feelings, and not trying to solve the problem right away. It also means being supportive of her as she sorts through her feelings while addressing each of the messages behind the question.
Don’t worry about failing at such times, the real goal is for you to be honest and tune into them and their pain rather than having the correct answer. At those times, your wife wants engagement and for you to listen to her.
If you doubt what I’m sharing with you, ask your wife about such questions. She’ll tell which question applies if not all in such situations.
Chances are, you’ve probably never heard communication talked about like this. If this is new to you, then you’ll benefit from downloading the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions..”
The video guides the two of you through ways of improving communication and making connection which is so critical in the aftermath of an affair. You need connection with them and they need that connection with you.
I hate hearing about marriages breaking up due to couples having communication problems. When you can’t communicate, you can’t come up with solutions, which are essential in creating marital satisfaction.
Order your copy today and start improving your marriage and your connection with your spouse.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
