No matter how clever a person is, how much money they have, or how attractive they are, eventually, reality catches up with them. One area where reality catches up is when you find yourself explaining the affair to extended family. This is the moment when you realize that your deception has not only hurt your primary relationship but also your extended family.
Dealing with family brings in a harsh reality. When your family is healthy, they have ways of cutting through the crap and posturing. You will be forced to face the pain that you have caused. You may find that some members of your family are more forgiving than others, but all in all, it will be a challenging time.
Explaining the affair to the extended family isn’t fun. There are no ways of sugarcoating the affair or the events leading up to it. If you do have to tell the extended family about the affair, consider starting with the facts. Did they cheat?
If necessary let them know what happened and what you want from them. Make these requests simple and clear. If you need support, tell them. If you need their prayers, tell them. If you need them to stop making excuses for the cheater, tell them.
In terms of telling them things, I use the principle of ‘if they aren’t part of the problem or part of the solution’ they don’t need to know’. You may be making things worse by telling family members more than is necessary.
Family members can be a huge support and they can be a huge distraction depending on how functional or dysfunctional they are. Family members tend to take sides and assume grievances that aren’t theirs to take on. They can end up holding a grudge that creates problems for you when it comes time for reconciliation. Therefore, it is important to consider the potential consequences of involving your family in the affair.
On the other hand, some family members may be able to provide valuable insight and support during this difficult time. They can offer a different perspective and help you process your feelings and emotions. It’s important to carefully choose who you involve in this process and make sure they are someone you trust. The price tag for some temporary relief may end up causing years of pain and conflict.
If you do have to tell them things, share on a need-to-know basis. The more details they have, the greater the risk of resentment forming. This means you’ll have to resist temptations to tell them ‘everything’. The more details they know, the more difficult it will be for them to forgive what happened. Deciding what to tell and not to tell is challenging. When you’re hurting it’s tempting to go overboard in telling people things. Resist the temptation, even though you are angry.
When you’re explaining the affair to extended family, be honest, but don’t share more than is necessary. Family members can be a huge support, or a huge distraction depending on their level of dysfunction. If they are supportive, tell them what you need and ask for their prayers.
These are times when having a personal consultation to talk about the affair will help. I’ve had some recent openings in my schedule. If you would like a consultation or counseling, email me for availability, fees and requirements. You can contact me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .
It’s hard to think clearly during affair recovery. During those times of confused thinking, you’re vulnerable and don’t see all the long-term repercussions of your actions. At those times, talking with someone who has experience in handling such situations is valuable.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
