There are many paradoxes you’ll encounter in recovering from an affair. When you experience them, they often leave you wondering “What the hell just happened?” and keep your mind filled with questions of “Where did I go wrong?“
You may allow the cheater back into the home and instead of being grateful, they are angry with you. Although you’ve done plenty for them, they don’t seem happy with anything you’ve done. You know that you’ve avoided provoking them, yet they’re still angry all the time and you don’t know why. Those times are the epitome of frustration. In my mind, I did everything ‘right’ in the relationship and things were still not working out. I wracked my brain searching for answers and solutions.
This is the paradox of ‘keeping the peace’. This situation occurs when you do everything you know to ‘keep the peace’ rather than deal with the root problems. It amounts to ‘taking the easy way out’. The problem with keeping the peace is that it doesn’t keep the peace. You don’t have peace, because you focused on surface symptoms rather than dealing with the root issues. Treating the symptoms is a common rookie mistake. It may seem like you’re avoiding arguments and conflicts by not addressing the underlying issues, but in reality, you’re only postponing them.
The paradox of ‘keeping the peace’ is often rooted in fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of losing the relationship, or fear of change. We convince ourselves that by avoiding conflict and ignoring the real problems, we are preserving what started the whole mess in the first place. In many marriages, you get into the habit of reacting to and treating the surface symptoms of any relationship problems. The symptoms are what you see, so typically, that’s what you react to. You’re not used to even thinking in terms of root problems and handling things that way.
Dealing with the ‘root problems’ takes you out of your comfort zone. You risk bringing up issues that the two of you have been avoiding either intentionally or out of ignorance of not really knowing what to bring up or deal with.
When you start dealing with root issues, it changes the situation. It forces you and your spouse to honestly face where your relationship is at along with what you need from each other. It may seem scary at first, but it keeps the two of you honest and puts your marriage on a solid foundation rather than have you chasing fluff and focusing on surface symptoms.
The product I recommend is the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People Healing Questions”. It guides you through ways of bringing back what you thought was lost, and developing real connections with each other.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
