Although you may want to give the cheater the benefit of the doubt and believe that the affair ‘just happened’, a closer examination of events often show that in many cases, they were ‘set-up’. The set-up may be conscious or unconscious, they may also have been set-up by the lover who pounced like a spider on a fly caught in their web. Lovers are often very adept in setting things up. They want companionship. Sex for them is often another tool they use to attain the companionship they seek. In such cases, your spouse may have been the victim of an experienced ‘relationship scam artist’. There are also many con game teams that use affairs to set people up. In such cases, the lover is merely part of a team that exploits vulnerable persons with money. Such con game teams may use affairs as a way to gain leverage over their target as well, especially when the target is a high value person in business, government work or banking. They use the ‘secret’ of the affair to blackmail the target.
You can see that there are many cases where the lover sets up a potential affair. There are also the cases where the cheater and the cheater’s needs contribute to setting up an affair.
The cheater often sets themselves up by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Simple things like staying out too late, drinking too much, being tired and allowing themselves to be in a potentially compromising situation are often involved. They may also be emotionally vulnerable by being angry, highly emotional, of in a state of need (hunger). Each of these factors also increases the risk of affairs. Although such things are not intentional, they put the cheater in either a vulnerable place environmentally or emotionally. Lovers often exploit those vulnerabilities. Before you run off and make wild accusations, the cheater may have never considered those factors, in which case, they were exploited. In such cases, they may need to address what their vulnerabilities are. They may not even be aware of their vulnerabilities. If, on the other hand, they were aware of these things, yet made some poor choices about their environment, they may have some problems with their choices and problem solving. If they were aware of their vulnerabilities and their choices, then you may be dealing with someone who either intentionally steered into an affair or where so egotistical they thought that they could overcome temptation. In such cases, their pride may be a problem.
This does not cover all the possible scenarios, yet it will give you some clues as to what needs to be worked on in your marriage depending on how the affair was set-up.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
