Most physics students know Isaac Newton’s third law, which states, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction“. Although this law is often applied to in understanding motion and resistance of objects, it also has applications to human relationships.
When it comes to human relationships, namely marriage, Newton’s third law still applies. When you’re talking about humans, the reactions often take different forms than what you would normally see in a physics lab.
I’ve often seen this relationship dynamic when it comes to how marriages react to affair related issues. Each attack is often met with an attack. In some ways, there is an unwritten code that demands each attack be met with an equal amount of counterattack.
Attacks with words are countered with words. When your character is attack, you react by attacking their character, and so on. In some cases, it escalates to where physical attacks are met with physical attacks. Researchers studying relationship violence are well aware of this pattern of aggressive behaviors.
You often see attacks done with words or violence. An area where reactions are not so easily noted and seen are when you confront the cheater with truths about the affair. When you confront, they will naturally feel compelled to counter-confront.
What happens is that physics often take over rather than logic or common sense. Things are said in the exchange of attacks and counter-attacks. Each push is countered with another.
You may have spent hours crafting the exact thing you want to say in addressing the issue at hand of the affair. Even though you may have all the right words, if you get caught up in the physics, it’ll go nowhere.
If you feel like you and your spouse are having the same fight again and again, you are. The “law of physics” takes over and you get caught up in action and reaction. This routine of give and take over and over is what feeds resistance.
The more you nag or lecture, the more you’ll encounter the reaction and resistance that goes with it. There are ways out of these patterns. Escaping them first requires you be aware of them.
In dealing with affairs one of the early tasks you’ll need in your communication is ‘short circuiting’ Newton’s third law of physics. If you don’t, you’ll feel like your on a merry-go-round. This is why in the communication module of the Affair Recovery Workshop, interventions are presented that disrupt or short circuit the relationship physics.
Those familiar with Newton know that the law also addresses how at any given time there are two forces interacting on objects. With marriages there is a force toward reconciliation and one toward separation.
In dealing with each other, each of these forces will need to be addressed. There is a reason for the force toward reconciliation, and reasons behind the force to separate. Tackling these forces with more force often creates tension without any sense of resolution.
If you feel like your relationship is going nowhere, it may not be due to their not being any hope, it may be due to the physics of Newton’s Third Law of Motion and your inability to get out of it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
