Are you among those spouses who continue worrying even though the affair is over? The cheater may have stopped and re-committed to their marriage to you, yet your mind still obsesses about the affair. There are the replays of what happened, along with the fantasies about what may happen. But unlike the television, these images don’t stop when you mash the off button.
You may have even sought out help for this situation. Medication, drugs and alcohol may temporarily take your mind off of it, but the effects never last as long as the worry and obsessive thoughts do. That is the problem with addressing the symptoms rather than the root problem. When you do not get to the root of the worry, it only shows up in another way at another time.
This kind of situation is common in the aftermath of affairs. This is part of the secondary damage done by the affair. When your spouse cheats, it takes away your self-confidence. You lose faith in them, and in yourself. Once that faith is shaken to the core, as happens with an affair, it is hard to trust or have confidence again.
Part of that loss of confidence includes a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” phenomena. There is an uneasiness when things seem to be going smoothly. Your body and mind remember that the last time you thought things were going smoothly, your life was rocked by news of the affair. That sudden shock changed you in more ways than you thought.
One of the ways it changed you is that it created a new mental association between things going smoothly and the shocking news of the affair. Once these two items are associated, it puts you on a wild roller coaster ride. Anytime things start going smoothly or appear to be fine, you suddenly find yourself panicking. Thoughts of “Oh no! It is going to happen again” start flooding your mind. It leaves you in a state where you can handle fights and stress easier than when things are going smoothly.
There is a part of you that has more faith in things going badly than in things going well. When you have more faith in bad things than in the good, the result is worry. Yes, you have faith, but it is misplaced.
This situation is made worse when you add things like jealousy and inadequacy into the mix. Jealousy and inadequacy often intensify the worry. The inadequacy often comes from how the affair often leaves you feeling less of a man or woman. The whole affair shakes that identity to its core.
When you experience jealousy or inadequacy, it can trigger the worry experience as well, since they develop a reciprocal relationship. Those sensations can trigger the worry, and the worry can trigger those sensations. It becomes a vicious circle where they continue triggering each other.
When you have sensations triggering each other, it makes recovery slow and frustrating. About the time you start thinking you are making headway on one, BLAM! the other one gets triggered in what often becomes a self-defeating cycle.
That cycle can be interrupted. The affair changed you, and you can change the impact of the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Dear Jeffrey I agree with your article. But how do you stop worrying if the abuser/psychopath doesn’t stop stalking/harassing me and my wife (cheater/victim) by making sure he stand al1ongside the road, flashing his lights, waving, parking at the school when you drop your children, driving past your house, phoning and leaving messages (we have changed the number in the meantime), she had to resign her work because he stalked her there as he makes deliveries. How long will this continue? It looks like he know uses another victim/supply that stays on the road (the only road) that we have to use to get into town and back to the farm. It looks like a game to him to like a predator stalking his prey.
Rudy,
Thank you for writing to me. Your situation poses a tough challenge. The stalker has not let the relationship go. That is one of the problems about affairs, they often start relationships that some people never want to end or accept when they end. His actions (the stalkers) are about continuing the relationship, albeit a twisted unhealthy one. The connection is now one based on fear rather than sex. He has traded one for the other.
In terms of stopping the worry for a situation like yours, the answers are not so simple. With the kind of stalking he is doing, he wants to get in your head and not let go. He is like a bad tenant in your head that won’t leave. That means you will have to consider things like setting up clear boundaries that protect your privacy (changing your number is a start), keep his footprint to a minimum (e.g. part of his game is to keep you imagining and fantasizing about him. In order to keep that to a minimum, you will have to be hyper realistic. When you see him on the side of the road flashing his lights, think to yourself.”Hey, there is an idiot flashing his lights” rather than fearfully fantasizing if he is going to follow you home, what he might do, etc.). Although ridicule or humor is powerful, it can often backfire and lead to more agitation, so if it is used, it must be used sparingly and with caution.
One of the added problems is that you are in South Africa, and people really do some bad things in South Africa. You can not ignore the risk, neither can you make it bigger than it is. In South Africa, stalkers are serious business, since they can often hire thugs to do their dirty work for them. It is best to ignore and not agitate. There is often a fine line between those two. He wants a reaction, such as fear, since fear can be manipulated. When he is ignored or minimized, there is no reward.
I had a stalker once, so I am familiar with how unsettling it is seeing their vehicle go by, and watching, always watching.
I have no idea how long a situation like yours will continue. I will say that they often follow patterns. Mapping out the pattern can help you gain some predictability. With our stalker, I mapped out when they would most likely do something or drive by. That helped us to at least know when to be prepared. Something like that may help reduce some of the worry, since you can predict it rather that it being totally out of control
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
I am fixing to go into my 10th month since finding out about my husbands year and half affair. It has been extremely difficult to find healing. My husband and I have decided to stay together and he has bent over backwards for me to make things right. I find myself not so much worrying that he will want her back but more about the deeper issue of what lead him to even seek out another women to begin with and what is stopping him from repeating it again with someone else when our marriage may not be all that he wants it to be. I find myself trying to over achieve in every area of being a good wife and mom in fear that if I’m not the best at everything he will want someone else. It’s not that he makes me feel this way more so it is I let my mind just take off with all the what if’s. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I am also struggling with significant dates/timelines in our life…ex: anniversary, holiday’s, vacations etc…and thinking back at the past year and half when I felt like life was good and meaningful but now knowing that he was in the middle of an affair during all those times. I have a tendency to dwell on what he was doing a year ago during this time in our life instead of concentrating on the here and now. And just being thankful for all God has brought us through and that my husband chose me and is with me today. How do I not dwell so much on all the pain?
Jenn,
Thank you for sharing your struggle. Those “what if’s” and I’m not good enough’s will definitely stress you out. The constant fear of “I’m not good enough” hits on the painful theme of being inadequate. Some of the issues you bring up I addressed in the webinar presentation on “Affair Relapse”, especially the “what is stopping him from doing it again” concerns.
On the surface your question “How do I not dwell so much on the pain?” appears straight forward. Before I address that question, I have some concerns about your other issues. The over achieving and struggles with adequacy raise a question in my mind. “Do you feel that his heart is with you once again?” Is he sharing his heart with you are are these adequacy issues based on your assumptions? If he is not sharing his heart with you, no amount of activity on your part will take away the pain. If he is sharing his heart along withe being committed to you and there is still the dwelling on the pain, it will call for a different solution.
I know you are carrying a great deal of emotional anguish. What is not clear is whether the root problem is related to him not fully opening up and committing to you, or you not forgiving yourself for what happened to the point where it triggers any old messages about not being good enough.
In God’s design, the husband and wife are to share with each other. All those verses about treating the wife like a weaker vessel are in reference to how he is to listen to and help you deal with your pains, hurts, fears and vulnerabilities. God has brought you through a lot. It may be that now your husband needs to learn how to listen to and help you past your secret fears. That means taking your relationship to a heart-to-heart level of intimacy.
Share your fears and concerns with him. Ask his help. Then depending on what happens, come back with your question and I will be glad to address it further.
Jeff
I’m really struggling my husband and I separated 6mo.ago and was only separated for 6 weeks he came home and office found out he had an affair he said it was ok cuz I kicked home out he is still friends with her through social media and he refuses to defriend her keeps her pictures and stuff I’m trying to have faith and trust God but I’m always reminded of it. He says he loves me but doesn’t show it i don’t know what to do
Danie,
Thank you for sharing your situation. being constantly reminded of the affair is painful. It is made worse by his blaming you for it going back to being kicked out of home. His actions show that his heart is still more with the other woman than with you. When he maintains contact and makes emotional room for her, the affair is not over.
I find that you have to see changes in both what they do AND what they say. If they have not made changes in both areas, they have not really changed. All that has changed is the window dressing.
I am encouraged at you trying to have faith and trust God. You may want to consider praying the “Prayer of Hosea”, which he prayed regarding his wayward wife. Part of the prayer included references to her lovers losing interest in her and her heart returning to him. Your husband has not lost all his interest in his lover, NOR has he accepted full responsibility for his actions. He needs to man up to what he did that led to his being kicked out of your home. Being kicked out had NOTHING to do with the affair. His using it as an excuse is his trying to put the blame for his actions on you.
If he is so “out of control” that your kicking him out of the home made him have affair, then I have to wonder who is making him stay in social media contact with the lover and keeping her as his ‘friend’or forcing him to keep her pictures around? Is she making him do that? He doesn’t man up in other areas, but instead acts like a puppet that others control. He is either in control of his actions or not in control.
Besides the prayer, you may want to make his return home conditional on his defriending her, removing and destroying all photos of her, and cutting off all social media contact, along with all phone contact information. Those actions would show that he loves you and there are no others besides you, rather than it all being “talk”. It would not be a bad idea to insist that he have medical STD tests run as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff