Can cheating be forgiven?
The question was posed as to whether or not cheating was forgivable. The simple answer is “yes, cheating is forgivable“. Typically, when you’re told that such actions can be forgiven, you begin asking about whether or not you should forgive.
These questions are used as excuses in putting off forgiveness. It is as if you’re trying to talk yourself into not forgiving.
What happened can be forgiven even though you may not want to forgive.
Many times those of you who have been touched by infidelity have expressed that you choose not to forgive. In the heat of the moment you may have stated “There is NO way I’ll ever forgive her!” or “There is no way in hell that I will ever forgive him for what he did“.
Either way, making such a statement carries with it consequences. At the time such statements are made, it is often an expression of your hurt and pain. Such statements may express how you feel at that time.
You say it and mean it at that time. When such a statement is made, it triggers a series of events that have long term consequences.
Those statement give orders for your brain and heart to construct barriers in order to block forgiveness from EVER happening. They create an emotional wall.
Encountering the wall
What we tell ourselves and imagine begins a transformation process in our minds. The statement you made about not forgiving begins transforming or programming’ your mind.
The statements you tell yourself change the wiring in your brain. By stating to yourself that you will never forgive, your mind changes how it views the situation and what options are available. Choosing not to forgive, changes what you see and what your options are.
When you choose not to forgive, you are eliminating the possibility that you and your spouse can work through things. You remove any possibility of reconciliation.
When the possibility of reconciliation is removed, the hope of repairing your relationship is removed. There’s the loss of hope that comes with the removal of any reconciliation.
The choice of not forgiving, places mental limits on what you see as options that you can do. Choosing not to forgive’ places a barrier’ between you and your spouse.
Spouses often talk about experiencing a wall in such situations. If you or your spouse continue making references to there being a wall or barrier between the two of you, they are encountering the mental limitation that began with unforgiveness.
That mental barrier keeps you separated from your spouse. It also limits what you can see. Walls keep people out and solidify distance.
If you or your spouse talk about there being distance’ between you two or about how you seem far away, it is a sign that the barrier created by unforgiveness is being encountered. You are literally coming up against a wall, and you can not reach your spouse (or they reach you).
Choosing not to forgive also creates and strengthens the connection in your mind between your spouse and negative experiences. The pairing up of your spouse and pain will continue growing stronger and more defined each time you choose not to forgive.
Like a well worn path, the longer the connection is used, the more defined it will be. Eventually the pathway strengthens until the only associations you have when you think about your spouse are negative ones. So, the unforgiveness totally transforms how you think of your spouse.
Having all that negative associations will eventually influence how you view yourself as well. Over time, the negative associations spread.
What was once limited to just yourself will spread to how you view yourself. Like a cancer, the negativity spreads. The longer it continues to exist, the more it spreads.
To sum up, choosing not to forgive does the following:
- Diminishes hope
- Places a wall between you and your spouse
- Creates distance between you and your spouse
- Limits the options available to you
- Increases negativity toward your spouse and eventually yourself
When you are ready to tear down the wall and stop all the head games that put it there, the video “Forgiveness: stop the Pain, Tear down the wall and Remove the Roadblocks” guides you step by step through the process.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
It is my understanding that the forgiveness established in the finished work of Jesus Christ is to be ENTERED INTO by way of repentance….This is the message that preceded the life of Jesus Christ in John the Baptists ministry ,.,and once Jesus began He also told us to REPENT in order to enter into RECEIVING the forgiveness that is ALREADY available from GOD and then WALK …IN ….ALL that HE said .
My husband has my forgiveness but that does not make any changes in HIM …The ONE that he needs to RECEIVE forgiveness from is THE LORD
There is a protocol in order for this to occur in the HEART of any seeker…The 5th chapter of Matthew expresses well the condition of the seeker of the LORD.
Recognition of the poverty of spirit …and a hungering and a thirsting after righteousness that causes one to seek more and more …the LORD
And a meek attitude toward being taught …
Learning knowledge is not the whole point ….learning with an attitude to live IN that knowledge is what is called for
Jesus repeatedly gave us the word to SEEK …CONTINUE and DO His will …which is revealed in HIS WORDS.
Seems this is ‘hiding in plain sight ” for many ….and the broad road is crowded with those who have a less that zealous desire to get to know the Lord up close and personal with a study of the WORD …
One of His primary commands to LOVE Him …which involves getting to KNOW Him personally through study and pursuit in His word
Keep up the great posts …they are very interesting …thank you Jeff!!
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing. Your understanding about forgiveness is correct theologically. When people are hurting, they are often not open to those explanations. When they are the one who was hurt, they often hold that against the cheater and it becomes an obstacle. Even in the Christian community, there are often disconnects between what they know in their head/heart and what they actually end up doing in their relationships. My focus here was on how some allow the unforgiveness to get in the way of their relationship.
Indeed …it IS a problem as the wound is deep and it takes repeated forgiveness …seventy times seven…daily …moment to moment …but the underlying connection that has been created by the Lord and built upon by active living in the covenant provides bridges that are often surprising to even those IN it.
The tricky part is being able to maintain the trust in the LORD through consistent ‘word walking’ while doing what we can …the work of the Word of God IN one struggling keeps things going along ..long after we might ‘give up’ if we were to listen to the way the world approaches things like reconciliation.
I figure if I do all things toward the end to honor the Lord the best I am able to according to what is written ..then God who has invested all in marriage as HIS image of redemption ..will come through for His NAME SAKE
Good thing we have others who are investing petition time too …for the whole body’s sake in this endeavor.
My invisible prayer partner….Jesus Christ!