The statement ‘you make me so mad‘ is a lie, whether said by you or the cheater. It’s dishonest about the source of the anger. You may be mad at the cheater, but they don’t have the ability for turning your anger on or off.
You Make Me So Mad Lie <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re here with me today. The question or concern we’re going to be dealing with today is the “you make me so mad” lie.
A lot of times when couples get into fights you will hear this. You need to realize that the statement, “You make me so mad!“, is a lie. Whether it was said by you or the cheater. Doesn’t make any difference who said it, it’s still a lie.
What makes it a lie is, that it’s dishonest. It’s dishonest about the source of the anger.
You may be mad at the cheater or they may be mad at you, but neither you nor they have the ability for turning your anger on and off.
When you tell someone “you make me angry” you’re giving them the control switch. That’s not a place that you want to be.
You want to be where you’re regaining a sense that you’ve got some say-so. That you’re in control of things. Statements like this are going to do nothing more than lay a lot of blame all over the place and do away with your control.
Each time you make this statement it’s almost as if you’re taking a little bit of your control and you’re giving it to your spouse. Or vice versa if they’re the one that’s saying it to you.
This is the total opposite of being responsible. A responsible person assumes responsibility for what they are feeling, what they are thinking.
An irresponsible person blames everyone else for their emotions, blames everyone else for their thoughts. Besides that, statements like “you make me so mad” feed and nurture a sense of codependency, with your own permission. It’s almost like you are giving your spouse permission to take the relationship into this sick, codependent mess.
When you do that one of the effects of that is that it just starts energizing the anger. You’re going to feel the energy level go up, and not in a good way.
It’s almost like you’re going to be feeling this negative energy. Of course when the negative energy is there there’s going to be a lot of blaming. There’s going to be more anger, more blame.
This type of anger/blame, anger/blame, anger/blame cycle of conflict is going to continue, each of you getting angry and wanting to blame the other one and not making any headway.
That’s where this is going to lead. The best way to avoid those kind of situations is to start recognizing this and to stop this anger/blame cycle. The solution to this “you make me so mad” lie is to stop the anger/blame cycle. In order to do that I’m going to go over three steps.
- Be honest about your emotions. Both with your emotions and the source. Be honest with them. If you feel scared, tell them. If you feel intimidated, tell them. If you feel unloved, tell them. You may be angry, but it’s your choice, it’s your reaction. With anger you’re choosing to get upset about something. You can tell them every time that you pick up the phone and call your lover I get mad, I don’t like it. That’s an honest statement.
Whereas “you make me mad” every time that you bring up that person’s name, that is a dishonest response. You need to be honest about the emotions, about what you’re feeling.
Don’t say that you’re just upset when you’re really mad. Because toning it down is not good either. Because in order to break the cycle honesty is important. Honesty both about the emotion and honesty about the source of the emotion.
2. Stop blaming your spouse for your own emotions. When you go around blaming them for causing your emotions you may think that you’re just being honest, but you’re fooling yourself.
When you’re going around saying whatever negative emotion that you’re in and you blame your spouse and say that they put me in this mood, each time you do that it programs your brain, takes away some of your control, and it creates a whole dynamic in the relationship where you’re out of control.
When you look around at your spouse and wonder how did things get so out of control, well, it typically starts with giving away control bit by bit with statements such as “you make me so angry.” That’s what happens.
3. Recognize that 95% of the time anger is a secondary reaction. What I mean by secondary reaction, it’s usually the second reaction that you’re having to something.
The real root of the issue is going to be that primary reaction. It takes a little bit of work to get there. The real source of the problem is what you felt at first.
You might have felt embarrassed, you might have felt scared, you might have felt uncomfortable. You might have felt surprised. And then you used the anger as a way to deal with those feelings of discomfort or shame or fear. Whatever. That’s more honest, but it takes a little bit more work to get there.
The solutions that I’m presenting to you right now about stopping this anger/blame cycle, each of these you can start working on now. Because it is going to take some work to undo this if you have been in the habit of continuing that anger/blame cycle.
Once again. Be honest about your emotions. This includes both what the emotion is and its source. Two, stop blaming your spouse for your own emotions. And three, recognize that 95% of the time anger is a secondary reaction.
As you start realizing these things, and you start assuming responsibility for your own emotions and you start being honest with both your spouse and yourself about what you’re feeling and what’s behind it, you’re going to make much more headway in your relationship.
Assuming responsibility in your communication is important in recovery. In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I’ll guide you through ways of putting responsibility in your communication, increase intimacy and help you break patterns associated with the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
