Even the accusation of an affair damages your marriage. Whether or not the accusation is true or false, damage is done to your marital relationship. Even if your wife or husband is not yet aware of the affair accusation, damage has still been done.
Your wife or husband may have no idea that you are accusing them of affairs. You may only be making the accusations in your mind or sharing this fear with peers. In either case, your spouse will later ask what happened to the trust, respect, and loyalty in your marriage.
When an accusation is made, trust is damaged. The accusation, whether spoken or not changes how the two of you view each other. This change in perspective damages or destroys what you have worked so hard to build. An affair accusation is not something which should be made lightly, nor should it be easily forgiven by either partner.
When an affair accusation is made, a line has been crossed. When trust is damaged, it cannot always be repaired and ending the marriage is entertained as an option.
Just in making the accusation, you make the statement “I don’t trust you” or “You are not committed to our marriage!” Such statements damage your relationship more severely than unkind words or acts.
The accusations change the power dynamics of your marriage. The spirit of cooperation is gone. It is replaced with an atmosphere of competition and one-upmanship. The process of tearing each other down takes over.
When trust has eroded in a marriage, it is often replaced by fear and doubt. Instead of anticipating the good things that could happen in your marriage, now you are suspicious about what could go wrong.
The competition is between who has the best facts or best responses. Instead of a team working together, there is the accuser and the defender.
You’ll also face a choice of whether or not to go into the attack/defend mode or move in the direction of restoring the cooperation. If you choose the attack/defend mode, then the falsely accused can turn around and make the spouse look bad, without examining what led up to the false accusation.
In accusing your spouse, you’ve already come to a conclusion. You have moved past research and fact gathering. You already zoomed past examining what led up to things. You’re jumping to conclusions.
The falsely accused may have put themselves in a compromising situation or been uncommunicative, which set the stage for the false accusation. After dismissing or disproving the accusation, they have a false sense of self-righteousness, which is a dangerous illusion.
The accuser may be the one who has failed to live up to their marital vows, which is in need of review. The accuser can make back room deals, so that they have an audience for their story. A wife or husband who wants attention will often do what it takes to get it.
They think all is well or that they are innocent, when they miss the big picture of how they set the stage for the crisis in the first place.
When accusations are shared with family, the problem worsens. In those cases, you’ve got a damaged reputation. When one spouse’s reputation is damaged, it hurts both of you.
Spreading accusations at work or in the neighborhood are also bad. The rumors poison relationships.
When your spouse makes an accusation, there’s often something they are basing it on. Had you been spending enough time with them, and talking with them, there would not have been a false accusation in the first place.
(Unless there is a mental health issue involving paranoid thinking or drug use. Note: Drug use and mental health issues make ‘false accusations’ a whole other matter. In such cases, the false accusations may by symptomatic of a cry for help. If you react by denying or dismissing the accusations as false thinking ‘all is well’, you may be making matters worse).
Even false accusations of an affair need to be taken seriously. They signal that one of you are capable of an affair or that there is a risk of an affair. It is a sign that one of you believes that something is wrong in your marriage and needing attention.
It may be that the only way they can express their discomfort is by making accusations. How you handle ‘false accusations’ sets the pattern for a future crisis in terms of how the problem is solved.
One way of reducing the threat of ‘false accusations’ is the 30 Days to a Better Marriage’ series. Let it improve your marriage so that those false accusations don’t ruin it. When your marriage relationship is strong, there’s little room for accusations to spring up or gain traction.
Making your marriage stronger is the best solution for avoiding accusations of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
Very good topic. I have been 40years married. I have resigned from 3 jobs due to my wife thinking I am doing something wrong, at my work. I have worked so hard,and been held in high esteem by all. It is very provocative to have all these terrible accusations. I have done nothing wrong,and I am very open and honest. I am now in the throes of despair,having to resign. I am 62 years old, and this stems from my wife misreading facebook pictures,from female co workers. I never done a thing wrong, but to keep the peace I left my job. I don’t know what to anymore.
Alistair,
Thank you for your comment. Being in a situation where you have left jobs for false accusations is a tough and discouraging place to be. There could be a variety of issues going on.
What is clear is that there is some suspiciousness from your wife. It leaves me wondering if she is basing her fears on something or if there is some imagining going on. There could be some flirting that she doesn’t like or she may even have some self-confidence issues regarding appearance issues. She may feel threatened by the females or that you give them more attention than she is getting from you. You may want to consider asking her what intimidates her about the women you work with. Listen to see if it is about them or about you. That can give you some clues.
Accusations are certainly terrible, especially when they are unfounded.
*affect
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for pointing that out. I will correct it.
My spouse has accused me of not only having an affair, but a bi-sexual affair. Things have been strained in the bedroom due to her frequent angry outbursts, and I try to keep my distance when she is angry, which is pretty much all the time, so it’s difficult for me to initiate any intimacy. She is showing no regard for my feelings, or emotions, has shouted me down and interrupted me when I try to make a point. I’ve come to the conclusion not to engage with her at all, because I’m either lying about an affair, or in denial and don’t want to admit it. I’m pretty much damned if I do, damned if I don’t mode. So, because there is no way to defend against these false accusations, I have decided to lick my wounds, and not reason with her at all.
Gordon,
Thanks for writing. Withdrawing often makes the situation worse. The “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” experience is what she’s experiencing as well. She is communicating to you her frustrations.
There is no easy or painless way out of false accusations. In such situations, I find steering into the the wind, or dealing with the problem head on produces the best results.
I been falsely accused of cheating for 2 years by my wife, because I don’t share certain things with her or go hangout with my friends sometimes until 2 a.m because I leave the house to avoid arguments, sometimes I’ll leave for a couple of hours. When I return it’s you’ve cheated! smelling my private area, calling my phone while I’m working. I had to come home on numerous!occasions! to save my name from being drugged in the mud. I had to stop socializing, with friends and family because every lie she conjures, she babbles, to them. It’s two sides to a story but they listen to one. She called me a coward, for avoiding confrontation with her. I got fed up! with the lies everyday and started fighting her! so she could leave me alone. That made matters worse but I had reached my breaking point. Now I’m abusive, they say. I’ve even reached out to her parents, who wouldn’t talked to me without her permission. We got phone records checked I was never doing anything since marriage. Now she says it’s been destroyed because I started hitting her. I weighed all my options, but being woke up out your sleep all types of time in the mornings. Spending, lots of money on gifts, for her to deny them. Getting fired off two great jobs because of her constant phone tags. Then she finds out the truth now she says I’m going to lose her because I got violent. It’s fight or flight I tried flighting, it wasn’t allowed. There was only one response left rage! I say all this to say I LOVE HER! regardless of the duration of the accusations, and now she knows they weren’t true she spilled all these lies to correct them would destroy! plenty reputations, between her family and friends towards her. I want to air it out with the proof there was no infidelities, because my name has been tarnished. Should I?
Govani,
Thank you for sharing about your situation. Given that violence is now involved, things have definitely gotten out of hand. Delaying or doing nothing will only allow things to continue escalating.
Violence and isolation are not good long term solutions. They are short term fixes at best and end up creating more problems than they solve.
Leaving your home to avoid arguments was not a bad idea. What makes it bad is when the person leaving doesn’t say where they are going or when they are getting back or why they are leaving.
In such situations, it’s important to reassure your spouse you’ll be back, that you’ll finish the conversation it’s just that you are are not in a place to face it right then.
It’s unfortunate that jobs have been lost and reputations sullied. Airing things out with proof is a start. She also needs some emotional reassurances. She is feeling insecure for some reason. Finding out what is behind her insecurities is more of the root problem. If there are any broken promises on your part, you may want to address that as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff