The next aspect of closure in this series of emails concerns what closure means for the lover. Although you may not even want to consider the lover’s role and views, it’s something you can’t ignore.
You ignore it at your own peril.
Ignoring the lover when it comes to closure can create problems, depending on the kind of lover involved. Not every lover accepts the loss of the affair graciously.
Problems are created for you when they refuse accepting the end of what’s been going on. At the point they accept closure, it means that they’ve been rejected. Accepting rejection isn’t easy for any one.
When they don’t accept the ending of the relationship, they continue doing things to stir up drama and re-engage the cheater in their association. They will do many things to re-ignite the relationship.
They may call, text, send email or photos as ways of keeping things stirred up. They want to continue the connection they had.
For them, the dirtier the message, the more it works to their advantage. They may even want you to get angry at the cheater, since they know tension between the two of you creates opportunities for them.
This isn’t a tactic limited to lovers. There are many ex-spouses who stir up drama as a way of re-engaging their former spouse.
For them and the lover, negative attention is better than no attention. They know if they trigger an emotional reaction, they can attempt turning that reaction around in their favor. This is a form of triangulation, which I deal with in my Affair Recovery Workshop.
Although you can’t control their accepting closure, the next best thing is cutting off all contact with them. The more potential points of contact, the greater danger they pose.
Cutting off contact creates distance. Your marriage needs that distance in order to attain healing and recovery from what happened.
The creation of physical and emotional distance sends a strong message about the ending of the relationship. The stronger that message, the better.
When you have a troublesome lover, there’s always a risk of affair relapse. This is a reason you need a solid affair relapse prevention plan. In my video on “Overcoming Affair Relapse”, you’ll learn what you need in a solid prevention plan.
You’ll also know what dangers to be on the lookout for in reducing the risk of things happening all over again.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
