It embarrasses me whenever I get snookered or hoodwinked. As a therapist, I consider myself more aware of scams and misleading ploys. Although I’ve had training in such matters, I’m still human enough to be taken in at times.
The latest was a news story with the title, “How cheating can make your relationship stronger”. On seeing the word ‘How’ in the title, I was curious.
On seeing the article from Australia, I thought to myself, “I’ll bite. I want to know HOW affairs help marriages”. Typically I read articles like this looking for where the writer is wrong. This time, I read it with a different attitude.
First, the article didn’t even start talking about the how until the last paragraphs. Even when it did reach the ‘how’, the writer referenced Esther Perel rather than give an answer themselves.
Articles like this become a huge rabbit hole. You start looking for an answer and all they do is direct you somewhere else.
You chase one article, then another, then a video and another article. It becomes a long, bewildering chase after promises without answers.
If affairs make your marriage stronger, then the strongest marriage would be those where affairs happened. After the affair, many couples strengthen their bonds to each other, yet there’s always the element of distrust lingering around.
In the back of their minds, they don’t feel totally at ease like they once did. They lost something in their marriage with the affair.
Such misleading articles also dance around the issue of what a ‘stronger marriage’ is. The couple may be more bonded to each other afterwards, but that doesn’t mean that they have more intimacy, or are happier or have better communication.
They may even call the strong bonds commitment, yet it amounts to nothing more than promising not to stray again. They didn’t stay loyal to their marriage vows and now they’re trying to make up for it.
Their promises are all after the fact.
Making stronger promises doesn’t make your marriage stronger. The stronger promise isn’t the key to it. What’s more important to me is the strength of the COMMITMENT.
Commitment means staying loyal. Commitment means saying ‘NO’ to others leading you astray.
There’s a big difference between the promise and the commitment. I address the importance of commitment in the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”
My experience is that other ‘experts’ addressing trust cover many of the same areas, yet leave out commitment. Commitment is so vital to trust, that without it, you’re only play acting.
Perhaps the stronger marriage as a result of an affair is about having better play acting. Instead of falling for articles without solid answers or those claiming ‘affairs are good for your marriage’, you can instead have the trust formula with all the ingredients spelled out for you in the video.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
