In continuing my series on closure, I mentioned that what closure means to you is important as well. Closure should mean the act of closing, shutting or concluding. When closure happens, the affair is over. It should be a statement of facts. When your have closure, it should be ended.
Although that’s what closure should mean, these days in the pop culture of immediate gratification, closure means nothing more than a temporary pause. With the emphasis on emotions, if the cheater feels that it’s over, its over, regardless of the facts.
Closure these days means you feel that an end has been reached. Rather than being a factual closure, it’s now the end of the chapter.
Even the modern dictionaries view closure as something that’s in process rather than it having finality. It’s spoken of in terms of ‘after infidelity’ instead of when the affair is OVER.
This is not mere semantics. Shifting the definition from something that’s concluded to something that on its’ way to concluding are very different, especially with affairs. (My brother whose an English professor would be proud of me making note of this).
I’ve also seen some people who never view the affair as having closure based on them still not being at peace about it or accepting that it happened. Acceptance is essential in recovering from an affair.
Come to think of it, acceptance is essential in overcoming a wide range of addictions as well. Without acceptance, your healing is limited.
You need both closure and acceptance.
Consider whether or not it’s over and whether or not you accept that it’s over. (By over, I mean that the cheater has the lover out of both their head and heart. When the lover isn’t out of both, they aren’t gone and things aren’t over.)
The closure issue is also an indicator of whether or not the cheater is believable. When they say it’s over and it’s not over, it makes it hard to believe them.
If they say the affair is concluded, yet they still have photos of the lover on their phone or computer, it sends a LOUD message that “It ain’t over!” Those photos trigger emotional reactions in the cheater.
The lover may be ‘out of the picture’ in terms of the physical relationship, but attachment to those photos say they are still taking up residence in the cheater’s mind.
If you’re stuck and unable to move forward, it could be that some affair trauma issues are interfering with your recovery. If that’s the case, consider ordering the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma“.
Inside, you’ll find ways of getting yourself unstuck to where you can start moving forward again. You need closure in the old fashioned, factual sense.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
