One of the lessons my coaches, especially Coach Bob Taylor drilled into my thinking is that the game isn’t over until the last whistle blows. They taught me to give 100% effort until that point.
Giving up before the final whistle amounted to losing the game.
Sadly, I’ve seen many spouses stop working on recovery once they reach the point of closure. Closure isn’t the end of the effort needed in restoring your marriage.
Yesterday began a series of emails regarding closure after the affair along with determining what it means to you. In continuing that discussion, today the focus is on closure for the betrayed.
The issue of closure is surrounded by controversy. This goes back to you and the cheater each having a different view of what closure is along with when it happens.
The reason I make the point “The affair isn’t over when it’s over” in my Affair Recovery Workshop goes back to how closure is not the ending point, but instead another step in the recovery process.
When you stop working on your marriage at the point when the cheater comes back, the affair is only on hiatus. it’s not over at that point.
Even when the cheater puts the affair away both internally and externally, it still takes a while for that event to sink in. You’ll still experience difficulties trusting them even though they’re no longer seeing the lover.
Experiencing difficulty trusting them is a natural part of the recovery process. Healing, especially deep healing takes time and work. When you only use one of the ingredients, you’re still not healed.
Time alone sets the stage for things to fester. Work alone leaves things half-done. This is the challenge I see with intensive affair recovery weekends.
At those events, you start doing the work, yet on returning home and your routines, the old habits manage creeping in again. The work involves more than just correcting things between the two of you.
If you think affair recovery is just about the two of you, there’s some major areas of hurt being overlooked or ignored. Effective closure deals with those wounds as well.
I like the word closure. It conveys that the chapter is over and concluded. I also know the wounds from the affair need being closed in order for the closure to be completed.
This includes the wounds of the affair on your children, extended family and friends. It also means changing familial patterns associated with affairs.
In the Affair Recovery Workshop, these topics are covered. You won’t be left wondering what to do next or what direction to go.
You can order your copy of the Workshop within minutes. As part of the workshop experience, your order also gives you access to me via email with your questions and concerns as you work your way through it.
Closure is another critical step in affair recovery, yet not the end of affair recovery. If you ended your effort at closure, you’re not fully healed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
