When Gina was confronted about her cheating, she appeared to be sorry. She admitted what she had done, and that it was wrong, followed by the statement “It didn’t mean anything!”
It was that last phrase that puzzled Michael. He thought, What does “It didn’t mean anything!” mean? He was not sure what to make of her statement. Was Gina trying to convince herself that what she had done had no meaning to her? Was she trying to minimize what had happened? It didn’t make Michael feel any better. If anything, he found himself confused.
Michael knew that Gina always had reasons for everything she did. She was not a crazy person that did something for no reason. For her to say, “It didn’t mean anything!” did not make sense to him. He found himself tormented by a flurry of questions.
It made him wonder if she attached meaning to any of her sexual life. Did Gina tell her lover that he didn’t mean anything to her? How can something so personal and so special not mean anything? If sex means something, then it is special. If it doesn’t mean anything, then it becomes commonplace, routine and meaningless. If sex had become meaningless, what did her affair mean? Did this mean she was becoming a slut? Had she gotten to the point where feelings were turned on and off like light switches? If she could turn off her feelings toward her lover, how long would it be before she turned off her feelings for him?
The more he considered what she had said, the more it bothered him. A meaningless affair posed greater problems than a meaningful affair. Gina may have said what she did to make him feel better, but now it was tormenting him.
To Michael, her statement had turned into a huge paradox. If the affair had no meaning, Gina was losing her self-control over her sexuality and her emotions. If she had lied, then he had the whole issue of lying to deal with. He thought that, had she said that it was all about lust and sex, with no emotional commitment, he could have handled it better than…”It didn’t mean anything!”
Michael came to the conclusion that all actions have meanings. All relationships have meaning. Some mean more than others. The statement that this action or relationship had no meaning was a crazy-making grenade that had been thrown into his life.
Rather than torment yourself like Michael, get the help you need to cut through all the affair games. You can start with the Affair Recovery Workshop. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
9 Responses
A similar remark from the cheater is “it was all just a fantasy”. I got that several times from my unfaithful wife. I found it unbelievable that she could be so thoughtless as to characterize it like that. I tried to point out how very real it was to me, the real damage done to our marriage and our family, and the very real actual and possible consequences of such a “fantasy”.
Untold,
The remark “it was all just a fantasy” sends shuttering feelings through me. When this excuse is used, there is often a blurring of fantasy and reality. Although they may view what happened as a kind of bad dream, the excuse keeps them from facing the reality of what they did and the effects it left behind. The other variant of this one is “it was just play” or “we just had a little fun”. Each of them are destructive to the cheater and their families.
The cheater may put what they did into the mental category of ‘fantasy, fun or non-meaning’ as a way of coping, but that does not diminish the effects of their actions. It is hard for them to accept the reality of what they did, acknowledge that its effects on them and the effects on others around them. I find that I often have to break through each of those spheres of denial.
The cheater has to accept that what they did really did happen. It had real effects that impacted them and others. The stirring of inappropriate passions creates tidal waves that spread out in all directions.
My husband has created a mess on both sides of our families due to his lack of accountability or acceptance of his actions. The sad realization is that so many have been hurt over two people that gave no regard to the impact this would have on others! If we as humans, would just stop and think about others before ourselves, maybe we would hurt one another less. Affairs hurt!
So hurt!
Thank you for writing. Affairs do hurt. It is not just a bruising, but rather a deep hurt. You are quite right that if spouses/yourself/others would just stop and think about others before our own self-gratification, we would hurt others less. The problem is that society promotes the mindset “It’s all about you!”, “Have it your way!”, etc. which encourages an intense self-focus. When people are caught up in the bubble world of selfishness, they do not consider how their actions hurt others. They only see their own actions and excuse their own motivations for doing what they do. They assume that because they had ‘good intentions’ that you should overlook what they did.
We definitely need more maturity in terms of simple consideration, manners and accepting responsibility. It would go a long way.
In 1992 I suspected my H was involved with a co-worker because when we were all together he treated her like if she was his girlfriend in front of me and her H. I told him to choose between us, but he told me that they had just met and were only friends. Six months ago my H told me he continued his emotional affair that I found out about in 1992 for another 10 years that really had started in 1988–not in 1992. He said they kissed and hugged a lot and only fondled her once.
I am completely unable to get passed this!!!!! I have such anger towards him. He has the gall to tell me it is the past and that he wants to continue our 44 years of this lying-farce of a marriage!!!!
Shocked,
Thank you for sharing what happened to you. I found my anger and blood pressure rising when I read the part about “only friends”. When a response has the power to do that, I can only imagine what you have experienced. Your gut and observations were correct with your initial suspicions. I understand how you would be unable to get past this and still have anger, along with a lot of hurt. Those long term lies often generate lots of anguish.
Do you think that I should stay in this farce of a marriage? He wants for us to work it out.
How can I?
Shocked,
You are asking some questions with some serious ramifications.
Please consider a few things. Since your marriage is at stake, I ask that you hear me out.
It is unlikely that leaving the marriage will solve anything. It will put the two of you in separate bedrooms, add separate living expenses, but do little to bring forgiveness or reconciliation. With all the anger and hurt, it would be hard to work through most issues. With him wanting to work things out, you are way ahead of many couples. I think you have a chance of working things out, which is what I think is the better option. Not easy by any means. Whatever you choose, it would also be good to reduce the hurt and anger BEFORE making any long term choices that have consequences.
The second question, “How can I?” has several options. There are many helps, workshops and programs that could benefit you. You could also try the counseling route, with a counselor, pastor or life coach. Each help takes a different approach. Although I prefer using improved communication based on brain studies, along with interventions focused on changing thought and behavior patterns, and defusing the fantasies, there are other providers who use a community approach, thought replacement approaches and others. Whichever one you choose, “pick a horse and ride it”. In other words select one and stick with it rather than changing from one to another when things get stuck.
There will be times that things get stuck. It is important to work through them to completion rather than stopping when the pain level becomes bearable. Stopping before working through will set you up for an emotional roller coaster, and you do not want that.
My problem is that when I found out about his so-called emotional affair he told me that he just met her and were only friends, but it was already five years or more that they were together before work, during their breaks, lunch afternoon breaks and after work; moreover, many nights and weekends of so-called overtime!
So, when I saw him treated her like his lover, I told him to choose. I thought he chose me because he stayed. Then six months ago I find out he had continued his so-called emotional affair for another 10 years for a total of 15 years. Therefore, he in reality told me 28 years after he started his affair. I think he thought that I would think that “well we have been married 44 years I can’t throw our marriage away.” Oh! Yes I can!!!!!!!!! I have never been dependent on him and I made sure I can take care of myself. He knows this!!!! I just wonder if I am suppose to try to heal the marriage, even though I am so livid, angry, bitter, etc. etc. for him lying and cheating on me for so, so long!!!