Do you ever have those moments where you tell yourself “I should’ve seen that one coming?” In all likelihood, you’ve experienced such moments. These moments often include wanting to kick yourself for not seeing warning signs before the affair happened.
At least with cars, you experience strange noises, sensations, vibrations or squeaks before things happen. There are times when driving that ‘things just don’t feel right” or it may be “It just doesn’t sound right”.
I recall one couple where my wife and I knew things weren’t right. When we sat down and put our finger on it we came to the same conclusions. Each of them engaged in subtle put downs of the other. They made their spouse the but of their humor.
On the surface, everything was ‘jesting’, yet their humor was either biting or ‘out of normal bounds’. Eventually, there were marriage problems, affairs and the split up. We saw the danger coming and they didn’t see it until it was too late.
In considering the danger signs of affairs, most of the lists I encounter are of limited use. They typically have 10 warning signs of an affair. Generally, these list focus on observable behaviors.
What’s often overlooked are the affair-prone attitudes and thinking. The attitudes are there long before the behaviors. There are some attitudes and thinking that are flashing yellow warning signs alerting you to dangers long before it happens.
Some of the affair prone attitudes and thinking warning signs for me include:
- Insisting on separate bank accounts
- Pre-Nuptial agreements
- Refusing taking the husband’s name
- Valuing time with friends/church/work buddies ahead of spouse
- Joking about affairs
- Having an age difference of 10 or more years
- Having dramatic differences in background/religion
- Marrying someone who’s been married previously
- Frequent flirting with the opposite sex
I recognize that love is blind. When you’re in love, you assume these are just ‘minor’ differences that can be overcome. In some cases they can, yet when there’s enough of them, problems are on their way. Instead of “Should’ve seen that one coming” you can say “I’m glad I saw and did something”.
These are signs of trouble that may or may not happen. They are the squeaks, vibrations and just don’t feel right things that are often precursors of other problems.
Instead of those “Should’ve seen that one coming” moments, you now have some idea what to look for.
The problems and affairs may not occur quickly or at all. The more of these that exist, the higher the risk of affairs and other problems. If you have some, you’ll want to take action in terms of making your relationship stronger. These are potential weak points that need shoring up. One way of shoring it up you’ll want to consider is the ‘30 Days to a Better Marriage‘.
The stronger your marriage, the more confidence you’ll have.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
The amazing part is. If you Google signs of an affair, the top ten are pretty standard. What is amazing is it seems so many of them are followed by the cheater. How they get away with it is our denial. It cant happen to us.
David,
Thank you for sharing your comments. The ‘signs of affair’ you often obtain with a search are pretty standard. They are observable, behavioral signs. The tragedy is that these signs often occur after thinking and attitude changes have already happened. I won’t say they are too late, but when those signs occur, things are already ‘deep’. That is why I saw the need for some of the earlier occurring signs.
Denial keeps people from seeing many things. It puts blinders on you. I have seen situations where a wife admitted to an affair while sitting next to her husband on a couch, and his denial was so strong, he didn’t hear what she said. The power of denial can’t be overstated.