Having grown up in Texas, I often saw signs with an old white haired soldier in his grey uniform, complete with sword, and the proclamation, “Forget, Hell No!” Those signs constantly reminded me that although actions can be forgiven, even those in the past, there’s some that you don’t forget.
That saying was on signs, Zippo lighters, posters, beach blankets and just about anything it could be emblazoned on. I saw that old geezer in every ice house and convenience store I went into.
When you don’t forget, there are things to learn.
One lesson I took from my encounters with the old geezer meme is that some things need to be remembered. You don’t want to make the same mistakes again. You learned your lesson and won’t put yourself in a position to be exploited again.
In an earlier email, I mentioned that affairs shouldn’t be forgotten.
The reason is that forgetting ruins your education. You don’t want to put yourself in a position to be exploited again. If you follow the ‘forgive and forget‘ you’ll put yourself in a position to be hurt again.
It’s not that you don’t forgive, you just learn your lesson from them and recognize the patterns of unhealthy behavior patterns when they start showing up again.
Repeating the same sick dance you danced before is a sure sign that you didn’t learn the first time. You may tell yourself “But it’s different this time”. Got news for you…it’s not.
Hopefully, you learned about ’cause and effect’ after your first affair recovery. When you ‘forget’ you cut yourself off from those hard life lessons.
When you ‘forget’, you mentally sever any connection between cause and effect. When you sever cause from effect, you don’t benefit from the lessons. You don’t connect the dots between bad choices and their consequences. You’re programming your brain not to see any connection.
I heartily recommend forgiving. It’s an important part of recovery. Forgetting on the other hand is not something you want to do with any haste.
When you’re ready to forgive, the video “Forgiveness: Stop the pain, Tear down walls and Remove the roadblocks” guides you through what you need to get started. It points out what forgiveness is along with what it is not. (I’ll give you a hint, forgiveness doesn’t include forgetting).
Best Regards,
Jeff
