Over the years, I’ve learned ways of dealing with a wide range of behaviors. Some of these lessons along the way were unpleasant and trying.
One behavior that tries my patience is encountering mixed messages. Mixed messages where people are confused are one thing. Those are attributable to confusion about what they are doing or feeling.
The mixed messages are the ones that leave you in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” place. Those kinds of mixed messages are no win situations.
When I receive mixed messages of a contradictory communications, it feels like I slam into a wall. The contradictory messages leave me confused and bewildered.
These contradictory messages don’t stop me, I just have to use special interventions in moving past them. Learning ways of dealing with them was through trial and error experiences.
I recalled those learning experiences on reading a recent letter where a reader encountered such a situation. She wrote “Question….sometimes I will bring up my husband’s internet cheating and he will laugh…I myself would be ashamed of such behavior…he thinks it’s funny…does that mean that he has no remorse other than being caught and thinks the behavior is ok?”
She’s facing a situation where her spouse is sending her strange contradictory messages. Being caught cheating and treating it as something humorous sends some twisted messages.
I wrote back, “You asked “Does that mean that he has no remorse other than being caught and thinks the behavior is ok?”
Laughter is confusing response. There are times when laughter is used as an icebreaker. This is especially true of nervous laughter situations. It’s their way of cutting tensions. It also is an attempt at making it ‘no big deal’ or ‘normalizing what they are doing.
I’m not sure if he’s using laughter as an immediate reaction to cut the tension or if he is using it to normalize his internet cheating. His response is contradictory to what he’s doing.
Your question shows good insight. Some people do use laughter in avoiding feeling guilty or uncomfortable. You may want to find out whether he considers internet cheating wrong or getting caught wrong.
If getting caught is his concern, he may resort to other brinkmanship. If he thinks his cheating is unacceptable, then the question is “What is he going to do about it?” and “How can you help him in his efforts at overcoming his cheating?” (Remember, he is the one that chose to cheat, NOT you. That means he is responsible for his recovery).
Something worth considering is Sigmund Freud suggested that jokes were truthful, serving two purposes: aggression (such as sarcasm) or to expose unconscious desires (the sexual joke).
In this situation, either type of joke (laughter) could be in play. It’s critical asking him for clarification as to what his laughter means.
If you are struggling with tough questions and recovery from an affair, joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle may be what you’re looking for. There you’ll find others going through similar struggles, and helpful resources for what you’re going through.
Best Regards,
Jeff
