In Scripture we are told to hunt for wisdom as if hunting for gold. My search for wisdom regarding issues related to affairs has taken me to many places. Since gold is found in some unlikely and barren places, it follows that wisdom is found in some barren experiences as well.
After recently losing my father, loss has been an issue I’ve encountered. One of the things I’ve considered is what I have missed out on.
That loss helped me see the wisdom contained in a quote by the researcher Robert J. Ackerman. He said, “The pain is not in realizing being a victim, it was when they realized what they lost.”
Having lost my father, I understand what he’s getting at. Being a victim of loss or an affair has its own pain. The biggest part of the pain is not what you just experienced, but rather in the realization of what you have lost.
Those intangible moments that could have, yet didn’t happen are hard to let go of. A big part of the relationship loss I face now is dealing with what was lost.
Relationship loss is painful.
You consider all the things that could have happened in your relationship. Those loses are a bitter pill to swallow. Those loses are also one of the obstacles that require effort in forgiving.
Letting go of what could have been. Letting go of the relationship that didn’t happen is tough. Not only is it tough, it’s messy.
If any relationship is real, it’s messy. Relationships have a way of making your life very messy.
When a relationship is worth keeping, forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing.
Forgiveness doesn’t give you back all of what you lost. It provides relief along with getting your heart and mind back.
When you are ready for forgiveness, the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” gives you the how behind forgiveness. It’s one of those videos you’ll have to repeat again and again, as you take forgiveness to deeper and deeper levels of your being.
Forgiveness doesn’t bring back all that was lost. It does help carry the burdens and make the journey easier to handle.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
So sorry for your loss of your father….may your good memories with him comfort you day by day going forward .
One thing I have had is that I did everything I could do to learn how to be in a relationship and marriage.
My time in the walk of faith in Christ included much study of the Word and many relationships over lengthy time among believers who were also intentional in relationship building and knowing the value of honesty and transparency.
So I have no regrets in terms of what I was intentional in giving and trying to learn what I could do to please my husband and learn about him
He refused to enter into that process
If there is regret of loss I believe if he ever realizes the truth of what marriage has to offer and what God has offered him he will have one huge realization of what he traded his life in Christ and in our marriage for the superficial and multitude of wrong choices using others and seeking truth gain from the fallen world what only is found in the truth and authentic life in Christ alone
To gain the whole world and lose your soul is one huge loss
To have used others in the process is another
Someone pointed out you can replace money….you can replace things ….but you can not replace time
I gave my all to try to live in our marriage while being kept on the outside of my husbands life always hoping he would join in
He gave more of himself to others in shallow relartionshipa than he gave to me or our children
Yet there were no true relationships as he kept his masks on and perhaps to live your life and never having been known by anyone is the greatest loss of all
Jesus Christ knows me….and in Him is life everlasting
Sad for my husband and people like him
He knew these things and decided to keep grasping for “more” and if he doesn’t change his mind he will end up empty handed and hardened hearted
Zaza,
Thank you for writing. In my mind knowing what you lost with an affair is part of ‘counting the cost’. You are correct, many things can be replaced, but some can’t be. Time is one of those items, there are also things like security, confidence and faith that can’t be replace either. People often lose these things with an affair. They feel that loss, yet often are unable to express the loss or put their finger on what they lost.
I also appreciate your comforting words regarding the loss of my dad. I consider myself fortunate in that he captured many of his ideas and thoughts in his book, “Stress in Ministry: Causes and Cures”. One of his statements that you may find of interest given your experience with churches is “One of the primary contributors to divorce among Christian couples today is the fact that most pastors are not being faithful to their churches”.
Best Regards,
Jeff