This is the first in a series of posts exploring the thinking and behavior of the infidel (the wandering spouse). Since there are many types of infidel behavior, this will not explain all types. There are some that are driven by sexual issues such as addiction, and there are some that have unresolved sexual abuse issues. Those two types will need to be dealt with in a different manner on another day.
What I am dealing with today is the “trance” like state of being that the infidel gets in during the affair. After working with couples for a period of time, I have seen strong similarities between the infidel state of mind and trance states. The comments used to describe the infidel , “He’s another person”, “She’s somewhere else”, often convey that that the spouse is not engaging. Their mind and heart seem distant and focused elsewhere. When I talk with the infidels, they describe being obsessed with the affair. They use terms that talk about how it takes over their lives and their thinking. They operate as if on automatic pilot, often making wreckless and impulsive choices. When I discussed what I was suspecting with a colleague, they commented that “All relationships are about hypnosis”. At first the statement took me aback, but as I explored it, there were strong similarities between hypnotic states and the state the infidel is in. It is as if they are hypnotized into the relationship, loosing conscious decision making abilities.
The connection between the affair mindset and hypnosis led me to read papers by Milton Erickson on the topic. In the research, the same type of patterns exist for the person in a trance and the affair mindset. What is not clear to me is how such a trance occurs? What type of people are susceptible to the trance? What does it take to come out of the trance? I will be exploring these issues in future posts as well.
So my conclusion is that with some people, they are in a trance-state during the time of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
