Lately, I’ve been receiving comments on social media about trust. There have been several comments along the lines of “Once trust is broken, everything else is lost too. Trust is so hard to get back. No trust, no respect, no communication.”
Respect can be broken too, and once respect is lost we typically assume we’ll never regain it.
Since there have been several comments along those lines, the message is that this is an area needing attention.
Let me start with responding to the “Once trust is broken, all is lost” sentiment. Responses like that indicate that their sense of hope is tied in with trust.
Once the trust is broken, they give up hope as well. There are no second chances with this kind of thinking.
Let me just say that I disagree. We have to continue to hope no matter what.
For those holding that idea, trust is an all-or-nothing deal. It is either there or it isn’t. Once they’ve lost the trust of someone, they don’t think there is any hope of regaining it.
Let me be clear about this: You can lose one person’s trust and still have that hope in your heart for another chance with someone else. It doesn’t follow that because you lost their trust once, you are therefore eternally doomed to never have trust in them again.
I don’t view trust that way. There are components to trust. Damaged trust is more about damage or immaturity in one of those component areas that build trust.
In my experience, trust is still there. It was only damaged. Damaged trust isn’t gone, it is just more difficult to get or get back.
There are things you can do to help build trust again. It starts with being honest and transparent.
The amount is small and the areas where it still exists are limited. You may not trust your spouse about relationships, yet still trust them regarding the children, or some other aspect of your life. You still trust them with your money or possessions. You may not trust their intentions, yet you still trust their ability to handle themselves.
I view trust on a gradient, rather than as an all or none proposition. The cheater is overdrawn in many areas, yet there are still some areas where some trust remains.
It’s rare that someone blows it in EVERY part of their lives. When they do, there are more serious issues than trust going on.
All of this is to say that once trust is broken, it doesn’t mean there are no more chances. It means more work is needed, not fewer chances. The cheater needs to rebuild the components of trust slowly, with patience and love.
They need to take the initiative in discussing matters. They need to take risks in reaching out.
Some couples don’t know what trust is. They talk about it, yet when it comes to putting it into practice, the areas of control, trust, fear, and insecurity blur. For them, trust is tied more into feelings than actionable behaviors.
When you tie trust into a feeling, it becomes an all or none phenomenon. In those cases, their ideas about trust are making recovery more difficult than it has to be.
Every interaction you have involves some degree of trust. There are some people you are leery of, or can only trust to a limited degree. If you don’t have any trust, there is no basis for any interaction.
The part of the comment, “No trust, no respect, no communication” is very true. When trust is non-existent, there is no basis for communication or interaction.
Even then, you’re faced with the paradox that you ‘trust them to be untrustworthy.’ It’s a twisted world when those you deem untrustworthy can always be trusted to remain that way. Even then, you begin placing some trust in them being untrustworthy.
It could be that one reason those leaving the comments don’t trust is that they don’t know what trust is. When you don’t know all the ingredients in the formula for trust, it’s no wonder that trust is a struggle.
It’s hard baking or cooking anything when you don’t have the right recipe or formula. Trust doesn’t just magically appear or disappear.
There is a formula. If the pieces are there, you have trust. When they aren’t there you don’t have a trust you can depend on.
In the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?’, I share this formula with you along with ways of rebuilding the trust you have.
Trust can be rebuilt. When you have the tools you need, change is possible.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
