One of the common misconceptions about affairs is that if your spouse cheats on you, it automatically makes them a sex addict. This is a misconception on several levels.
First, a person can be unfaithful without being a sex addict. Although there can be overlap between sex addiction and affairs, these are two different things.
Some sex addicts stay married and limit their sexual addiction to porn, chat rooms, erotica and other avenues of getting high. For them, having an affair would be too risky, or take too much time.
There’s also the issue of the many motivating drives behind affairs other than sex. There is the need for excitement, need to feel young, attention, impulsivity and others.
Assuming the affair is about sex, maybe making assumptions before you have the facts.
Making false accusations about your spouse being a sex addict creates problems. There are also problems when you don’t confront sex addicts on what they’re doing.
What this means is that you need clarity in knowing what you are dealing with, whether it’s a matter of being unfaithful or a sex addict acting out. This distinction makes a difference in dealing with the problem at hand.
When your spouse has an affair, it’s a serious matter. Knowing what drives their affair is also important. It provides you with a context for understanding what happened.
Putting the affair in context doesn’t make it less serious. Knowing the context helps you see what the root problem is. Fixing the wrong problem leads to frustration.
Focusing on the wrong problem can aggravate your marriage relationship leading you or your spouse to call it quits, just because you addressed the the wrong problem.
You may have been accurate in picking up on the symptoms, but in error as to the cause.
If you don’t know whether there’s a connection between the affair and their high sex drive or addictive personality, your intimacy may not be as good as you think it is. You may be assuming that intimacy is just how enjoyable or intense your sex life is. Intensity is not the same thing as intimacy.
Intimacy is more than that. It includes your awareness of each other and how well you know them. Being unaware of each other is a relationship problem that can be improved.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop”, you’ll find guidance on ways of improving intimacy and guidance on starting those talks with each other.
Best Regards,
Jeff
