As humans, we all need to be in relationship. Part of being ‘in relationship’ is feeling connected to people who are important to us. This need for being ‘in relationship’ is part of the natural process of being human. Anyone who grows up healthy and functional has this need. In functional marriages, this need is often satisfied in the relationship between the spouses. Problems arise when the relationship with the spouse does not satisfy the need to be connected to others. Often those struggling through those times develop attachments to substitutes. These substitutes may be hobbies, religious activities, or even socially oriented activities. The substitutions, like all substitutions only temporarily address the needs. Being that they only temporarily address the needs, the person with the needs may continue feeling empty and unconnected despite being active and involved. In such cases, they are vulnerable to affairs. They are so hungry for a sense of connectedness and relationship that in an act of desperation, they use the relationship with the other person as a way to satisfy their needs for relationship. The danger lies in that affair relationships by their very nature can not meet the need that the person seeking them is after. Relationships are chosen that leave them feeling more alienated and unconnected than they did at first.
In attempting to understand the “why” behind affairs, there are often basic needs that were not being addressed or satisfied in the marriage. One of these basic needs is the need to be ‘in relationship’. This need is often confused with sex, since people often use sex as a means to connect, without realizing that the need was for the relationship, not the sex.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
