Some cheaters may tell you that they were forced or trapped into the affair. In some cases, they were. You may assume that what they are telling you is just another excuse. As unpleasant as it sounds there are some people who use coercion in forcing people into affairs and affair situations. My own experience with coercion is that is often occurs where there is a ‘power differential’ in the relationship. In such cases, one person has a position of power and the other person does not. The person with the power then uses the threat of their power to ‘force’ the relationship. The power threat comes in different forms. It may be teacher, professor, police officer, minister, elected official, or supervisor. In some cases, the person doing the coercion uses the threat of exposure to ‘trump’ the high power person.
The person threatening the use of power holds it over the cheater. The power may be either the stick or the carrot. They may use rewards or the threat of punishment for leverage over the coerced cheater. They may their victim believe that having an affair is either the only choice they have or the only choice without painful consequences. In such cases, the target is trapped in a crisis. They are trapped in a dilemma set up by the exploiter. Some exploiters spend time and effort in setting up a crisis for their targeted victim. People that have been programmed since birth to respect authority without question are often easy targets for such exploiters who use their position to twist such programming to their advantage.
If your spouse was coerced into an affair, the situation requires a different response than if they went out seeking an affair. They need your understanding and support for what they went through and the crisis they were trapped in. It may be easy for you to play the armchair quarterback and tell them what they ‘should’ have done or what you would have done. Instead you need to understand the situation and view it through the target’s eyes. It is always easier to see options in hindsight. For this one, you may have to look at it in terms of what they knew and when they knew it. In cases where the exploiter took advantage of how your spouse was raised, you will have to consider that as well.
Not all affairs are the same, nor are they handled in the same way. One size answers to do address all the questions that arise with affairs.
Best Regards,
11 Responses
Very interesting article about coerced affairs, this is very true if the other person has a position of power like age and is a psychopath . My wife was sexually abused by a pastor double her age when she was 29 years of age , he raped her into an affair and he was a psychopath (lasted about 4 weeks). The mistake we made after that was that we never went for therapy – big mistake as my wife is a victim of sexual abuse and emotional abuse as a child and never had a father figure in her life. Nearly 17 years later she was abused again (I see it as abuse not that I am trying to minimise her responsibility in the coerced affair)by a man 16 years older who did exactly what the pastor did groomed her into trust and then tested her and initially raped her a couple of times to coerce her into an affair that lasted for one year. When we did some research he also is a psychopath and it is strange how all psychopaths use the same methods of coercion, it is basically the same as child sexual abuse. It is strange how they first use rape as a method of bonding and entrapment of the victim (fear of talking or fear that the abuser will talk and guilt, shame of the victim as sexual abuse victims always take the blame on them and the abuser makes sure that they take blame)and then start with love bombing, mirroring etc. Then the predator starts becoming also the comforter as the victim does not know whom to talk to. We are going know for therapy but it is hurtful. It is frightening how women who are sexually and emotional abused without a father figure are so vulnerable for exploitation by predators.
Rudy,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I cringed as I read through what happened to your wife. It was gut wrenching knowing that there are such predators out there who rape to get people into affairs. What makes it more despicable is that a pastor was the one who did it.
Sadly, many people in positions of influence, such as pastors, teachers, law enforcement, doctors etc. are not trained in handling counter-transference and end up abusing their position to exploit others who are vulnerable. They often smell the vulnerabilities and take advantage of them.
What adds to the tragedy is that they often know what they are doing and set up grooming prior to them exploiting the situation. These kind of skills only come through practice. When I consider the question “How many people did they go through in order to perfect their skills?” it makes me sick to my stomach.
Dealing with the shame in such cases is challenging. The cheater in this case is also a victim, which intensifies the shame and self-blame in such situations.
I am thinking they coerced me into affair? Fire chief and I was a victim of a house fire. I thought they were the only one that cared and we accidentally began affair, then I find out he has done this to another fire victim in our same town.
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. Many affairs begin between helpers and those being helped (e.g. police, fire, physicians, clergy, teachers, etc.). The power dynamic is often exploited for personal pleasure.
It’s tragic when this happens.
I can relate to you situation as I was hit on by a professor in college. I admired him and thought he was trying to help me along with having my best interest. Fortunately, I set boundaries and nothing happened.
The incident showed me how easily it can happen with those in helper roles.
Years later I discovered how many others he hit on over the years. It was quite a revelation.
Best Regards,
Jeff
My wife is an empath was a target of a sociopath who befriended her over a period of time at work. He got her drunk which was one of her mistakes and date raped her. Not violently but she found herself not able to say no even though she turned him down before. The guy instantly had power over her for she didn’t want people at work to know and when she refused to have sex he would call her a whore and tell her she should because she did it before. She and i are recovering from this hijacking and are doing fairly well.
Anon,
Thank you for writing. Abusive situations like you describe are filled with episodes of traumatic bonding. The bond that was formed becomes his basis of power in the relationship. It’s not healthy for sure.
The important thing is that people can recover from such incidents. The bonds which were formed can be broken and weakened. That power can be reduced if not removed.
Recovery is possible.
It is encouraging hearing how you and her are doing fairly well.
Rudy thanks for sharing your story. My wife was raped by her boss and he then coerced her into an unwanted sexual relationship with blackmail and manipulation. It went on for many months without me knowing, and our marriage disintegrated and I moved out, because my wife was making my life terrible to drive me away, as she was ashamed and didn’t feel like she deserved me. Since she revealed the full extent of the situation, we’ve gotten back together and I think we’re very much back in love, but we’re both utterly exhausted. Counselling helps but it’s very hard. The situation has created some quite extensive damage to both of us. It’s very hard to understand as a partner, and quite lonely as I can’t really talk to anyone about it. It has helped to find out more about the situation, particularly the many and complex ways in which the boss manipulated my wife. We think he is a narcissist. It’s been awful but it’s also been a great learning experience and in the long run i hope it makes us stronger through learning about each other and why the situation was able to happen
Zaid,
Thank you for writing and sharing your situation. The double-damage of being raped and then coerced into an affair is challenging. I’m glad to hear that the two of you are working on things. I can only imagine how difficult it was hearing about the full extent of what happened. I’m sure it was hard for your wife to share it. Such an incident brings shame and trauma with it.
When that happens, it leaves those involved feeling like ‘damaged goods’, dirty and defiled. Moving past that requires effort as you know.
From what you describe, the perpetrator sounds very narcissistic. When narcissists are involved, things don’t always make sense. They are not being rational in the sense of other people. What they do makes sense to them, yet they live life according to their own rules.
Jeff
Hello again. My wife’s story runs deeper and it helps when I talk about it being a secondary victim to her rape. I thought if youd be willing to hear the long of it, you could give us some advice. I’m the poster from two entries above.
Hello Rudy,
Thank you for this post! I recently learned that my wife had an affair last year.
At first I was devastated and broke up about it. We stayed together and have been working through it. One thing that caught my attention early on in our recover is she would always say, “I felt like someone else was making my choices for me.” Then she had an episode, where she “broke” and started to hysterically cry and shout “I don’t want to go! I don’t want to get in the car.” This lasted for about an hour. Later, I asked if she remembered doing that, which she responded that she didn’t. I asked her at that point if she ever wanted to do anything she was doing with him and she then started talking about how she always felt sick and hated the guy, but he pushed and pushed. He got power over her by trying to talk about his sex life with his wife and then ask her about mine and her’s. She would always responded with “I am not comfortable answering that” which he would then tell her that he shared and it isnt fair she isn’t. She always talked about me and told him to go talk to his wife. Then he would drop “My wife would be so upset if she knew i was talking to you,” or “Your husband would be angry with you for sharing,” or asking if I would ever do anything like this to her or cheat on her. Building her shame. She told him to stop and go be with his wife. She told him several times to leave her alone and that she didn’t like him that way, to just stay coworkers.
He would leave her alone for a bit then start up again with his pressuring for a kiss. She would tell him no, but he wouldn’t stop. And started saying things like “it would suck if people knew about us.” So she thought if she gave him the kiss he would stop. He didn’t, he shamed her more and threatened to tell all her coworkers. The request just got worse and worse, until it was a full blown sexual affair. He would demand things of her, he would get jealous of her spending time with me and being physical with me. Or tell her to get rid of pictures of me at her work. He would accuse her of finding other men attractive and continued to shame and threaten telling people.
For any man in this situation, I get it. It is hard to believe that you wife or anyone you love can be manipulated and turned like this, but it is very real. You may feel the need to ask a million questio s or probe or may even feel like you cannot believe them. But trust me, if you love her and want to stay with her, try and believe her and support her. Get help for yourself as well. Tell her it is not her fault for him treating her this way. There are just some people out there that take advantage of others kindness and good nature. My wife thought she was giving him advice on how to help his marriage, but he just gave excuses to why he couldn’t, she didn’t realize he was going to use it as blackmail and shame tactics.
My mom told me something when I was at a low point in this, and I will share it with you.
If you are willing to lay your life down for her, why aren’t you willing to open her heart up to her and accept what happened, and move forward.
Atty C,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s a vivid example of a seducer (in some posts, I refer to them as creepers) at work using guilt, shame and mind control techniques in coercing someone into an affair. The coercion/seduction happens gradually.
In the example you share, he seduced her mentally with his sex stories, then used shame and guilt to take the seduction into the emotional realm and finally leveraged her into a physical affair.
These kinds of episodes happen more often than I and many spouses would like.
I like what your mom told you. Her wisdom shows great insight. Opening up and sharing goes a long way in preventing and healing these kinds of situations.
Best Regards,
Jeff