Obsessions and affairs often found in each others company. It is common for a spouse to obsesses and fantasize about an affair prior to one happening. In many cases, they have to obsess as a way to work up the nerve to initiate the affair. In those cases, there is a discomfort about the affair and hence the need to work up their nerve. In some ways it operates like a selfish role play. Eventually after several obsessive episodes, they see the opportunity and initiate the affair.
Obsession does stop once the affair occurs. While the affair is ongoing, the obsessions focus on the object of the thoughts. In many cases, the obsessive fantasy drives them deeper into the relationship. What may have been a one night stand has turned into something more engulfing. Those who are the objects of the obsessions may initially mistake the obsessive behavior as someone who is just enamored with them. It is a mistake to think that the attention being given them is love. Obsession is about control, not love. The obsessive driven relationship is often one where those involved report feeling crowded, smothered or overwhelmed. The obsessive behavior can easily turn into stalking, whether by phone, computer or actual drive by’s.
The obsession driven relationship often has disastrous consequences. Even when relationships are supposed to be over, the obsessive does everything in their power to keep them alive. They hold onto what is gone in a ghoulish fashion, hoping that the dead relationship comes back to life. In many ways, the obsessions may have stifled the relationship or killed it outright. The fears of loosing the relationship often leads them to take actions that push the desired relationship further away from them.
If you find your self either in the role of the person suffering from the obsession or the object of the obsession, you may need professional help in severing the relationship or accepting the severing that has already occurred. Accepting the reality of “what is” is often hard for obsessives.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
