In the arguments that accompany affairs, it is common to hear the phrase, “I didn’t mean what I said”. When this phrase occurs with great frequency, there are problems in your relationship that are larger than the affair.
This is a phrase often heard among people struggling with co-dependency in their relationships. Just because you may have said this does not make you co-dependent, yet if saying such phrases has become a way of life and you expect your spouse to ‘know’ your intentions and meanings, there may be some ‘co-dependency’ in the relationship which will need to be addressed in healing the relationship.
Co-dependency is a problem that can be overcome. In overcoming co-dependency, it requires that the two of you change the way you interact with each other along with reducing your assumptions of each other.
If the two of you are expecting the other one to know what you are thinking, you are in for a disappointment. You and your spouse may know each other well, yet that does not mean that you ‘know’ everything they are thinking, much less the two of you know exactly what each of you means without explaining where you are coming from.
Although science touts the idea of mind reading as a breakthrough, acting as if you can read or your spouse can read your mind is disastrous for health of the relationship. Spouses do not read minds and you do not know what your spouse is thinking. You may be very familiar with their patterns, but that does not mean you know what they are thinking and can think for them.
In many cases, they may even be using different definitions of words or phrases than you do. Rather than assume you know what they mean, you may want to consider asking “What do you mean by that?” or “What did you mean when you said …” When such questions are asked in a non-sarcastic and genuine manner, they can open up communication in ways you never imagined.
Best Regards,
Jeff
