Affairs often bring out the childish parts of people and their personalities. One of the children’s games that often occurs is “They have to make the first move”. In this game, the parties keep a tense status quo in their relationship, while each waits on the other to make the first move. This is based on a false assumption that “the guilty party will make the first move.”
Each one of you wants the other to take the initiative of making the first move. You are willing to do things, but you want your spouse to break the ice.
With such a ‘stand off’, each party often justifies their position by emphasizing their innocence and the wrongs that were done to them. The attitude that I am not going to make peace with them, because they are the one who did wrong to me prevails in both spouses.
William Shakespeare once observed, “Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.” In these stand offs, you are each suspicious of each other, and struggle with guilt about some small thing that you see as no big deal, which your spouse probably views as a major deal.
In these situations, the focus is on the wrongs each of you endured rather than where you want things to be in your marriage. The focus is on past hurts rather than future potential as each of you attempt taking the moral high ground through maintaining self-righteous positions.
Each of you believe that you are in the ‘right’ and refuse making the first move. Somehow making the first move is viewed as admitting the greater wrong. You may even find yourself using Scripture in justifying your position and make you feel good about what you have done or not done. Such actions are a misuse of scripture. Somewhere along the way, attitude has been ignored in favor of blame.
The mindset of wanting them to ask your forgiveness and admit their wrong instead of you reaching out in love and wanting to make things right first prevails.
The saying “You can be right or be in relationship” holds the key to handling these situations. You can spend your energy maintaining your rightness or do what it takes to repair the relationship and improve your marriage. Which do you want to be —being ‘right’ of being back in relationship with your spouse?
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
