An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.
Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).
When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.
By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
