When a reader unsubscribed with the message “My husband married his lover, I no longer need your help” I took notice. Her note was short and direct. I couldn’t ignore her. There was no emotion attached to it, just a quick statement that went straight into the heart of what I do.
The woman who sent me that message could not care less about how much her husband had changed; she didn’t even mention his name in her note. She was looking for closure but she wasn’t complaining: none of those usual things like “I feel like shit”, or “my life is miserable.” She remained cold and business-like .
Even though it was short and direct, there was something about it that conveyed a deep pain over what happened in her life. Although I want each of you to be able to work through the issues related to the affair, some spouses don’t want to work anything out.
They view the situation as an opportunity for change and they make those changes. In her case, he went ahead and married his lover. It’s that simple. He changed the course of both of their lives, something she wasn’t ready to do.
Some cheaters do end up marrying the lover, even though studies have found this happening only about 10% of time. I wish that number was lower. I also know that in terms of numbers, the likelihood of a couple surviving an affair is higher than not surviving one.
Her comment highlighted an area needing attention. That area concerns when affair recovery ends.
Does it end when your spouse marries someone else? In response, you have to ask yourself, whether or not you quit hurting when they marry someone else.
Your need for emotional healing, moving past the effects of trauma and forgiving doesn’t end when they marry someone else. If anything, you need those things more at that time than before.
Recovery from an affair ends when you and your relationships are healthy again. If either of these areas are still needing work, you’re not finished recovering from the affair. You may be finished with the facts of what happened, but you aren’t done recovering.
As long as one person is consumed by their hurt, any hope for moving forward will be limited. Sometimes the couple does recover from an affair at some point, only to have another one blow away all they’ve accomplished in between times.
The end of a relationship isn’t the same thing as the end of recovery from what happened in it. When you’re still hurting, you still need healing.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, I share with you how the hurts began along with how you can start moving past them. There are things you can do that prevent being haunted by the affair and fears you now have since it happened.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
