Is there any truth to the excuse “It just happened?” Although the excuse is given more often than it’s true, the excuse can’t be totally discounted.
Some people are ‘drawn’ to the lover at many levels. Although most people are unaware of the power of urges and how to manipulate them,they exist.
There are some lovers who use the ‘urges’ to their advantage. They know ways of triggering and using those urges.
We often feel attracted to people who are interested in us. That attraction is even stronger when it builds on previous programming.
There may be programming from the cheaters family of origin, dating experiences, marital experiences or even traumas that influence the intensity of the attraction they experience.
Much like salt enhances the flavor of food, these experiences enhance the urges. What may have been a mild attraction can be intensified to the point that it is hard to resist.
Likewise, a lover who is making a strong come on, may find themselves rebuffed by a potential cheater, due to the enhancers working to decrease the intensity of the attraction.
When lovers show interest and arouse strong feelings, they’re hard to deny. Not only do the lover show interest in the cheaters, they awaken ‘possibilities’.
The lover allows the cheater to see themselves in a new light. If the cheater has been in a marriage with a spouse who spends more time finding faults and tearing down the cheater, while the lover see the potential and the positive traits, it is a no-brainer that the cheater feels drawn to that.
As humans we prefer being around people who enjoy us, who make us feel better about ourselves, who see potential in us and our lives. If you have discouraged your spouse more than encourage them, you may be setting yourself up for an affair.
So what are these ‘enhancers’ that can modify the urges?
1. The effects of alcohol or drugs
2. Loneliness
3. Being emotionally upset or vulnerable
4. Having a spouse that is more discouraging than encouraging
5. Having a history of being sexually abused
6. having a history of sexual promiscuity
7. Being tired
8. Being away from their spouse
9. Having a spouse that does not take care of themselves
10. Being a people pleaser
11. Being bored with either their marriage, job or life
12. Persons who are sensually oriented
13. Persons who are selfish and self oriented
14. Persons with a family history of cheating
15. Persons in positions of power
16. Persons with a large number of secrets
Before you dismiss the power of the enhancers, recall the old Mickey Gilley song, “The girls all bet prettier at closing time“. Having grown up in Pasadena, his songs influenced my outlooks.
The enhancers change the attractiveness of the lover, so it’s not about how good they look, but rather the mindset of the cheater and the enhancers that are at work. This is one of the reasons why when your spouse has an affair with an unattractive person, it’s not beauty that’s drawing them, but something else.
Although the personal morality of the potential cheater can be a mitigating factor, when there are too many enhancers at work, even those who morally oppose cheating can find themselves caught up in it.
Having unresolved traumas in your live also makes you vulnerable to hidden urges. Unresolved traumas are potential triggers.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, you can learn ways of dealing with and moving past such traumas.
Best Regards,
Jeff
