When cheaters play the God card on you, they’re either getting desperate or letting you know their ‘real’ theology. Cheaters often like a version of God as a loving, forgiving being.
What they conveniently forget what God’s stated position is on the matter. In the book of Malachi, God’s views on dealing treacherously with one’s wife (spouse) and putting away are spelled out clearly.
One of the problems that occurs when God is brought into the discussions about cheating is that the issues brought up impact everyone. When God enters the picture, everyone is effected. When there should be repentance and seeking forgiveness, it instead turns into blaming and shaming.
I hesitated to address this issue with you, yet I needed to make this dynamic as clear as I can. I am not a preacher, and will not pretend to be. I have spent many hours studying the Bible, especially regarding the issue of relationships and affairs.
Yes, God loves you, and he loves the cheater, and he loves the lover. He hates when people cheat (the act of infidelity). He also HATES putting away. This can be viewed as divorce, or merely ignoring and dismissing your spouse and their needs.
The word choice of ‘putting away’ covers the spectrum of behaviors from disregarding to divorcing. The ‘dealing treacherously’ term addresses the lying, hiding, deceit and secrets often associated with affairs.
If you and the cheater were being honest, God hates the secrets, lies, deceit, back-stabbing and other issues associated with affairs. You have probably not opened with this approach since it steps on each of your toes.
Honesty is tough. No one wants to feel guilty about what they are doing, even the cheater.
It’s easier for them to hold onto the idea that God loves them and use that in claiming that “God wants me to be happy” in order to justify their actions and not feel the burden of guilt.
No one wants to actually say ‘God wants me to do the right thing’. It’s much easier on their conscience to seek after the happiness angle.
The next tough question that arises is whether or not infidelity can be forgiven. It can.
Cheating can be worked through. It does not have to be the end of the marriage. It does not have to be the end of your mental health either. Cheaters often like the idea that cheating can be forgiven. What they do not want to face are the consequences of cheating.
Long after the cheating is forgiven, they will still be dealing with the consequences. I have seen some cases where the consequences lasted across years and generations.
The cheating can be forgiven. There is no short cut around the consequences. You and the cheater will have to deal with those whether or not you choose to forgive them or they forgive themselves. Choosing not to forgive does not lessen the consequences, in fact, it often makes the time spent enduring the consequences more painful.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Yes,,,and WHAT consequences they are ! My husband and his OW CHOSE and planned the birth of TWO children ….even as our own children would have liked his time and attention .
NOW he is reaping HUGE consequences as even I had warned him when I learned of this ….I advised him to NOT have any contact ..even though Humanism declares children need a ‘father’ …a random understanding of what this term involves.’
I felt it would have been actually better for THEM if they did not know him simply because he could not invest what THEY needed and should expect from a true father .
Now they are old enough that they are realizing it is ‘weird’ the way he is only there once in a while to take them to school and as the boy said today ‘I am the only kid whose dad does not live with in his house,”
He has been told that my husband and his mother ‘hurt a lot of people’ but nothing really clear, The child knows my husband is married but it was not made clear to him that the PEOPLE that his mother and my husband hurt was hi WIFE and CHILDREN.
This has made the issue confusing and I told him it would eventually bring about resentment and anger.
The boy is 8 and has uncontrollable anger…he punches his sister in the face, breaks things ,throws things, bites…He has epilepsy , that is not the problem though some say it causes some issues. The OW does not know how to handle him ..she has set them both against my husband and they are being taught to keep secrets and lie to their parents….
It was not expected that a woman who planned to have children out of wedlock …mostly it appears to gain income would be a good mother…and now it is very much come to be known . She leaves them alone day and night ..has a boyfriend who stays and does the cooking but has his own child with another woman who he did not marry .
My husband and I supply more than generous support ..we paid for their house…her car and all expenses for that last 12 years…to our financial ruin.
What I see happening ..which I sadly had an inkling of just from knowing what the Word tells us about HOW children need to be instructed and guided for THEIR good …I see an angry , out of control , neglected child who is not only left to do what he wants with his sister,….but he is going to begin to resent and become angry at OUR family .
My husband is deeply sorrowed as he sees he has little influence upon them …she has fully conditioned them against him and he has no say in things. He gave the 12 year old Proverbs and asked if she would read it with him over time and the mother texted him to NOT bring any religious material to them ,..particularly Bible.
The 12 year old stated she hates Christians. and Christianity. This probably stems from at least one fact …I have been a follower of the Lord for long before she met my husband as she solicited him and ‘succeeded’ in hooking him for …it seems to be the rest of our lives .
Anyway …even if he had left them to bond to another man …they were brought into a nearly impossible situation and my husband has now the situation where the boy is growing more and more to resent his losses…which WHO can blame him ..his parents DID this deliberately …selfish SELFISH .
NOW my own children must wonder what day in the future this kid may grow to be a disgruntled , out of control teen …we hear so much about on the news ..
My husband opened the door to all kinds of BAD for OUR children …we may be long gone and yet they will have this threat for the rest of their lives.
God protects…but in marriage the HUSBAND has been given the jurisdiction to PROTECT his wife and children …not to create more danger!
It is even harder now that they have learned about him and he has entangled himself with them …thinking only about what HE thought was good….I see it as him being just the kind of playmate he was as a ‘parent’ ..taking part only in FUN …no experience with the many demands and trials ..and so it is no wonder he thought nothing of ‘providing ‘ this woman with a baby or two that she wanted in order to ‘experience’ motherhood and exercise her “reproductive rights ‘ on OUR family’s dime and time ‘
Wicked …God calls upon us to become HOLY …and happiness is not what SIN brings …it brings DEATH and LOSS before DEATH .
Sad …the ‘drama’ goes on …each time he begins to SEE in reality what I warned him that GOD warned were the outcomes of disregard for TRUTH .
She believes SHE is entitled …and now she is training her children to learn to lie and believe THEY are :’entitled’ or …the ‘end justifies the means’…. redistribution of wealth …by sinful means.
Zaza,
Your account says a great deal. The thinking that God wants me happy has brought, selfishness, anger, alienation of affection, hatred, confusion, hatred of authority, shame, …(and the list goes on) to your husband’s life. I wish more people could see what the long term impact of such “God wants me to be happy!” thinking on their lives. It ruins every life it touches.
Funny how when someone is thinking about committing adultery that they feel it necessary to hide if from their spouse because they KNOW that it would make their SPOUSE UN happy…eh?
Is that because they KNOW it is wrong and hurtful ?
YES
How anyone can attribute something this painful and wrong to ‘GOD” having meant for them to meet and engage in something HE has FORBIDDEN just goes to show how dark some minds are .
Nothing that violates the laws of leaving ,cleaving and transparency is going to make ANYONE happy ..eventually …and YET there are ‘serial ‘ cheaters!!!!GO figure…
God made us to become HOLY as His ..not necessarily happy ….to some they are not happy unless doing something forbidden.!
My experience is that when they hide it, they know that what they are doing is wrong. In such cases, it is not a mistake, or impulse, but rather a planned deception and scripted event.