Cheaters are often caught up in stimulation and sensuality. When you wonder “how could that do what they are doing to you and the family?”, the seeking of sensuality is the answer. For the cheater, gratifying their senses and living ‘turned on’ in their world is more important than all other matters. The more stimulation they receive, the more they want. They crave the whole sensation of being turned on. Since cheating has so many emotional issues surrounding it, there are many emotions in play. Since cheaters want stimulation, they often do not care about others emotions. For them, the more emotions, the more stimulation. The greater the chaos, the greater the turn on. This is one of the reasons that they often have relations after intense arguments. Part of why they grew so intense during the argument is that they wanted the ’emotional’ high or stimulation that goes with it.
When cheaters have had their ‘sensual’ side turned on, it is hard to bring them back to reality. They live in a world where every encounter has potentials. They look at members of the opposite sex as potential partners (victims) rather than as people. They begin living just for the stimulation of their senses. In their mind anything that gets them turned on is acceptable.
What this means is that in getting them out of the affair, you will also have to de-program them. They will have to ‘gear down’ as part of their recovery.
This will help you understand the problem with sensuality and pushing things ‘beyond the limits’. When they start talking that way, it should send off caution lights in your head.
For more help on dealing with issues related to affairs, consider my e-book “Why wasn’t I Enough?” where I deal with the most common questions about affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
My husband is a very ‘social ‘ person …he is in a business where socializing is a very big part of it …and his position involves him being able to identify people’s “use’ or ‘value’ to function in whatever ways fit well with the others in the particular office…in otherwords he is skilled in evaluating people …
I have been thinking about this …how he has been able to hire well ‘teams’ that work well together….and to put on elaborate meetings, trips and parties to bond them
He is skilled at making other people “come on ‘ to him …this works well for him in romantic situations as he can always claim innocence….he told me the OW ‘settled’ for the arrangement where he told her from the first he would never leave me …but SHE agreed to commit adultery with him …when we moved through a transfer he told her we were moving and that she “could’ come along or not ….it was ‘her’ decision …..so he remains somewhat without the responsibility in the situation!
The OW wrote that he was passive aggressive …it was the first time I had heard of this in reference to him but I think it fits…..
In various other ways it is the women that are emailing …calling …at least he tries to make it seem so …I know this is not the case with those who he keeps in his life over the many years…..’just friends’ ….along with men …which I believe are his ‘cover’ ….
I sound pretty obsessive ..and he has claimed this about me ever since D DAY …as if it is not normal for me to try to find out truth …and find out about the women he has slept with …IN HIS COMPANY ! …they are distant now …and years ago …or so he now claims….but who can know?
He is such a ‘nice guy’ that people have loved him …loved working for him …and every party someone comes up ..usually woman to tell me how much they enjoy working for or with him…..that is over many years….
One time after D DAY we attended a retirement party for one of his workers…when we arrived she flew to my husband and wrapped her arms and legs around him in front of everyone ..including her husband ..I was STUNNED and as usual there was NO reproof from my husband …later on I was sitting talking with one of his employees about Jesus and I looked over my shoulder where SHE was looking and there sat my husband SURROUNDED by at least 15 women who worked with him …all leaning forward listening to his every word ..they missed him so much since we moved away !
Needless to say the woman I was speaking with did not hear much of what I said …but rejected what I had shared with her about the Lord .
My husband had a culture in his office where he wanted everyone to like him and feel comfortable coming to him about anything …so it seems they had no regard or respect for me or the boundaries one would expect them to have for a superior …he did not stand up for me or our marriage …he shamed me often among his coworkers …which in his dignified position is really hard to believe ….
I have pain again tonight as I think over the many years where I was a ‘but’ of his employees attitude …HE claims this is not so …I cannot help but wonder if they thought I was stupid or simply accepted his infidelity….All the time standing for the Lord as if I might bring the gospel to them
The hindrance to the testimony of the Lord is no joke…HE SHOULD be AFRAID of the consequences of his many sinful choices…but instead he is hardened against making the choice to straighten out ..he continues to be successful and prosperous….
I cannot help but try to warn him but there is no way the Word or even reason hits home with a man who believes there is” no hope” for himself anyway …The IS always HOPE for those who wish to make an effort to change …..He sees no reason to do so …..he has rejected all our years the things he needed to hear …and even hurting our daughters does not make a dent in his attitude…HE does not believe it is HIS responsibility as to how his decisions effect us all ….
He likes his freedom to have the friends he has and sees my requests as unqualified to effect his ways of living ….HE wants to be ‘boss’ …
Jesus told husbands and his disciples that leadership was not about lording over people but leading and serving ….husband’s being told this very thing…Headship is NOT LORDSHIP ..it is to be ‘source of life’ to the body …as Jesus is to the church …His body ..a husband is to be to his wife…
My husband has chosen many superficial relationships rather than submit to the way it takes a man to mature and be unself centered toward the end of a deeper , more fulfilling life concerned about his wife …
He enjoys not only this kind of many friends but also I think he enjoys the way it effects us …He ‘says’ he does not want to hurt us but in being told how NOT to …he refuses to hear ..and continues doing what HE wants anyway….I guess it ‘pays’ him in more ways than just money..
I am grieved for my children …even my son who lives far away ….and seldom visits….
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