I pondered, as you probably have, the question of “When does the cheating begin?” You know when the line was crossed, but that is not always when the cheating began. Some of my fellow therapists specialize in being ‘human change agents’. That means that the focus on how people are manipulated along with how change occurs. One of the interesting aspects is the power of the ‘response set’. You may wonder “What does response set have to do with affairs?” In some cases, quite a bit.
Those who study manipulation know that once you set up a person with a series of questions in which they answer “yes” to, with each response, it will be harder and harder for them to say ‘no’ and break the pattern. Expert manipulators know this. For this reason, they often have a series of set-ups where the target gives affirmative responses, THEN, they hit them with the question that they want to change/manipulate them with. This is done by seducers, politicians, used car salesmen and other people that prey on the public.
When a response set is being used to manipulate, you are given a question where you will answer yes. Those of you who have good manners and do not want to offend people are especially vulnerable to this ploy. The first question is followed by a second and most likely a third. After that, you are in the ‘set’. Now you are vulnerable to being set up with the question that opens the door to cheating.
When you or your spouse is being manipulated by such swindlers, the cheating begins with the first question. The first question, as innocent sounding that it may be is designed to be part of the ‘set-up’. This means that in order to ‘affair-proof’ your marriage, you need to have sales resistance or the ability to say “NO!”. You have to say no without regard to others taking offense of getting upset. No still means no.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
Hmmm …this is something often hard to remember …and detect. I was thinking of this just a while ago …the point of being raised to be polite is one that can become a weak area in this day and age since we do not grow up and stay in ‘designated’ social groups or long term communities….at least for many .
Also as many are away from families of origin as they move out to college and work it leaves a lot of the protective elements that were once a part of our past society behind and put a lot of people at risk to be deceived more and more.
The only thing I know of that will keep us safer is the learn upon the Lord AND to heed the wisdom He offers for us to learn from in His word …acting upon it.
Growing up with the various social norms of the past does not completely fulfill the need to be wise in order to protect oneself….knowledge of God’s wisdom is imperative to navigate the state of the world we now find ourselves in….
Frightful reality this !
Zaza,
We do live with a frightful reality. There are many that would view decency as weakness and exploit it. This often has to be balanced with the command to be kind to strangers. Finding the workable balance is challenging. Navigating that balance often takes discernment to tell the difference between people who are genuine and those who are out to exploit.