A while back I addressed the topic of ‘ethical non-monogamy’, which is the hipster’s way of saying they sleep around.In adding the word ‘ethical’ it makes the practice appear above board. Note how they use ‘ethical’ rather than ‘moral’.
The most recent article I read on the topic was based on interviews with some of those practicing ‘ethical’ non-monogamy.
The interviewees raved about how open that way of life is. The claim it’s non-pretentious, more honest and growing in popularity. Although they sang the praises of sleeping around, the author of the article purposely changed their names and pointed out that the interviewees ‘didn’t want their parents knowing what they were doing‘.
Reading how the interviewees didn’t want their parents knowing makes ‘ethical non-monogamy’ look like just another teen fad. Instead of swallowing tide pods, they engage in gratuitous sex.
The article mentioned that the sex was better with multiple partners; it was passionate, exciting and not about fulfilling any requirement. In other words, gratification without commitment. No surprise here, since many teens and young adults have trouble with commitment anyway.
The irony of talking about how something is more ‘honest’ and open, yet hiding it from others doesn’t escape me. It struck me that it’s the new double-standard. Words like ‘honest’ and ‘authentic’ sound nice, but they’re a far cry from being moral or loyal.
The terms ‘honest’ and ‘open’ doesn’t mix well with secret and anonymous. Typically things that are hidden like that have some ‘shame’ factor.
The polyamorous want to sleep around, yet not let their parents or others know about it. The weird mix of openness and secrecy confuses me. When relationships are healthy and wholesome, there’s no need for secrecy or changing names.
The use of labels such as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ only confuses things. They’re sleeping around. They’re no fidelity to their spouse. Their spouse is just one of the many partners they have. What could be more clear and obvious?
What’s especially odd about some of these lifestyles is that most people don’t live in a non-monogamous arrangement or are involved with multiple partners. They’re confusing a fantasy for reality, believing that it’s possible to love multiple people at the same time.
Hiding identities and activities is never a good sign. Whenever people hide who they are and can’t talk to their parents about it, I become suspect. It tells me that things aren’t as open and honest as they say. They are deceiving themselves.
Healthy relationships don’t have to hide who they’re with. They don’t have to meet at secret locations and conceal what they’ve been doing.
Keeping secrets and doing things anonymously send up red flags alerting me to trust issues. When trust is replaced by secrecy and all that drama that goes with demanding loyalties and keeping true identities concealed, it’s not a good sign.
Healthy relationships have healthy trust. You don’t have to hide anything. When there’s trust, you have true openness instead of the false sense of openness that comes with ‘keeping your secrets’. Instead of falling for the deception of confusing the excitement keeping secrets for real intimacy in a committed relationship, consider healthy trust.
Are you looking for a way to build healthy trust in your relationships?
The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in building a solid foundation for healthy trust. It walks you through the ‘trust formula’ so that you can know what it takes to have healthy trust. Anything less is only another form of selective secret keeping.
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Keeping It Real,
Jeff
