One of the expressions my father often used was “I’ve got a bone to pick with you”. It always struck me as an odd expression. He used it as a way of introducing unpleasant topics he wanted to talk to me about.
Having difficult conversations is never pleasant. They’re even more unpleasant when you’re dealing with someone who has anger issues or those with narcissistic tendencies.
In my mind, attempting talking with an educated narcissist are some of the more challenging conversations. They assume you share their assumptions and conclusions.
When you don’t agree with them, they view you as mentally stunted and their inferior. They either shut you out or put you down or both.
Either way, you leave the conversation feeling less a human than when you started it. If not less than a human, you leave knowing that your opinions are not valued.
I also learned the hard lesson that trying to talk with a narcissist when there’s a mirror around is futile. They’re more interested in their appearance than what I had to say.
They also have ways of finding their reflection in places and on things I never considered.
Then there are the snarky comments made during the conversation. These types may even say things like “I thought better of you” or “You should know better”. What makes it different is that they say it not as a statement of disappointment, but rather as a way of putting you down.
They may use the words ‘conversation’ and ‘discussion’ in talking with you. Those words are merely window dressing. Behind the appearances is a hate filled rant designed to cut you down and make you inferior to them.
Narcissists want to view their opinion and reasoning as the only ‘rational’ one. They view any other viewpoint as inferior. It literally is their way or the highway.
The way they discount your views leaves you feeling like a second or even third class human.
If your discussions with the cheater are merely disguised ways of putting you and your ideas down, then the communication in your marriage needs help. Sure, each of you may have good vocabularies, but that doesn’t mean that anyone is being listened to or that they are listening.
This is where the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” can help. It guides you in ways of improving communication and intimacy in your marriage.
Your communication can be something more than lip-service or posturing. It can instead be ways of connecting with each other and hearing each other out.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
