Good Loving Gone Bad
As a teenager, one of the popular songs I grew up listening to was Bad Company’s “Good Loving Gone Bad“. When dealing with affairs like yours, there are times that I would like to change the words to Good Intentions Gone Bad’. Since it does not rhyme, the title would not sell as many copies as Bad Company’s version.
Many affairs begin with good intentions. Those who end up getting caught in the mess never intended the consequences that happened. Many of the affairs of professionals in helping roles began with good intentions. The list of pastors, counselors, doctors, lawyers, nurses, police officers and teachers who wanted to help people but ended up having an affair with them is long.
The danger of well intentioned helpers
When those in the helping profession, one party starts off in a vulnerable position. The helper comes along in a position of authority with the intention to help. The vulnerable position of being with those in a position of authority is vulnerable to exploitation. With affairs, the helping relationship is exploited and becomes sexual in nature. In some cases, the exploitation is intentional, in others, it occurs in a more opportunistic manner. The opportunity presents itself and the relationship changes.
There are some cheaters who are the one seeking help and there are some cheaters in the helping professions. Since those in the helping professions were in a position of greater authority, when they cheat, they are often held to higher standards than the person being helped. Many professional organizations have ethics codes to reduce the likelihood of such exploitation happening. Despite these precautions, helpers are often at higher risk for the possibility of affairs and the allegations of affairs.
Since the very nature of the relationship between those being helped and the helpers is highly emotional, the risk of affairs is high. When your emotions are stimulated, you are more vulnerable to being driven by them. High emotionality can easily become sexualized. What began as admiration and respect can be changed into other emotions. The biology of emotions is such that once they are activated, they can be easily manipulated. Once your emotions are aroused, such as fear or admiration, they can be changed into attraction or desire. The risk is high for both the helper and the one being helped.
Excusing wrongs by using good intentions
There are also some cheaters who will use their good intentions as a way to excuse what they did. You may hear them plea, “I never meant to hurt you!” or to “I never intended for this happen!” With such pleas they are hoping that you will look at their intentions rather than their actions or the consequences of their actions. The affair does not look so nice when the actions, and consequences are examined. This strategy is same employed by the kid who breaks a window with a baseball trying to get out of the consequences by looking at you with sad eyes and saying “I didn’t mean to break it”.
When the cheater pleads with you using the good intention’ excuse, they are only looking at the immediate painful consequence. Typically, such statements are made shortly after being caught. A more honest plea would have been, “I kept it from you to keep you from getting mad at me”. Such statements sound remorseful, but are not. Had they experienced remorse, they would have confessed right after the incident of adultery rather than after they were caught.
When the cheater has gone through elaborate planning in order to have the affair, cover it up and keep it going, there are no good intentions. It is true that they did not intend to hurt you, yet their actions show that they did not intend to be honest and forthright either. When the cheater hides their actions, especially when they are oft repeated ones, they know what they are doing is not acceptable. When such planning occurs, their intention is one of selfish gratification. Although the selfish motive is what drives them, it is unlikely that you would hear “I cheated because I am selfish. I did not tell you because I only care about my own pleasure and did not consider who would be hurt, including you!” Such a statement would be 100% honest, although painful to hear. A cheater who makes such a statement is assuming responsibility for their intentions.
Although the world and mainstream media often excuse political leaders and their actions by claiming that they have good intentions, those excuses do not work or let the cheater off the hook when it is your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
